Sunday, September 14, 2008
Idealist love
One of the biggest challenges that I have to overcome is this foolish prejudice we have of seeing love and romance as some kind of sacred, magical realm where things just fall into place, if they are meant to be. You can blame this on religion, or movies such as Titanic, The Notebook or any Hollywood chick flick. This might seem romantic and quaint, but it is really just a cover for our laziness. What will seduce a person is the effort we expend on their behalf, showing how much we care, how much they are worth. Leaving things to chance is a recipe for disaster, and reveals that we do not take love and romance very seriously. If you are just sitting and waiting around for the person to fall in your life. You are cutting yourself short. Falling in love is a matter of not of magic but of psychology. Once you understand your target's psychology, and strategize to suit it you can create the "magic."
Why Seduction?
There were really two inspirations for this essay: one was a discovery as to the origins of all seductions. What ties them all together, or rather what lies beneath this peculiar glitch in human psychology that allows us to be seduced--by a person, a work of art, a thought, an advertisement, on and on.
The other inspiration was myself, my own weaknesses when it comes to seduction.
I am a very emotional person, and prone to fall deeply in love with a woman. When I meet someone for the first time. I have a very strong desire to know who they are. To know all their defeats and wonderful experiences in their lives. This can last for a few days, months, or even years. But I fall quickly out of love, as the enchantment wears off and the next prey appears on the horizon.
Now, most people who are like this can have a strong effect on certain women. That is because when they fall in love, for that short period, they give themselves over to the woman in a complete manner, one that is rare for a man. This is devastatingly seductive. It also shows the weakness such a man has for a woman. Look at Bill Clinton, a classic example. Women are the first to forgive the foibles of a Clinton, because they understand deep down inside that he is weak, and his weakness is women. This is is charming.
From the outside, what most people see is the string of victims who have been seduced and from that they deduce an inner coldness on the part of this person. But in thinking deeply about a Casanova, a Lord Byron, a Duke Ellington, or about myself (not that I put myself in their category), I know this is not at all the case.
It is Stendhal who best described the falling in love process in his book On Love. He compared it to the crystallization of tree limbs that are left in a salt mine. When you fall in love, you idealize the man or woman involved. You create an image of them in your mind that is enchanted and full of fantasy. The tree limb is a plain object, but after it has been left in the mine, it emerges with brilliant crystals. That is the mental process when we fall in love.
And a man who has been through this time and again and again and again with many women, comes to see it all very clearly. He has a clear memory, the day or week after the spell is broken, of how he has idealized the woman in question, created something in his mind that in the end is not the reality.
And so, I saw seduction as something that can also be quite conscious--seducers being people who are adept at inviting people's fantasies, making others idealize them in some way, causing them to be enchanted and fall in love. Sometimes, a man or woman can be completely calculating in this manner, becoming a kind of machine for causing the crystallization.
But the game goes on, on all levels. We are constantly doing this to others around us, trying to draw them in, trying to enchant or seduce them. Most of the time it is unconscious.
And so, I simply wanted to make the process more conscious to everyone. A process I saw myself being the victim of on many occasions.
A deep seduction, in which emotions are engaged on a strong level, and minds are penetrated, that is what excites me. The enchantment and fantasy element that is in any kind of book or movie or good seduction. Without enchantment and fantasy, the world can be quite depressing.
What makes me talk about this now was that it all had come back to me the other day, as I was in the shower the other day. Still half asleep, it suddenly struck me how many times in the past I had fallen for this or that woman, of all different types, and how far I had gone in idealizing them. It made me seem rather pathetic, someone with a bad habit. Then I remembered, while still in the shower, that that had been the spark for this essay so long ago, and I wanted to get it down before it disappeared.
The other inspiration was myself, my own weaknesses when it comes to seduction.
I am a very emotional person, and prone to fall deeply in love with a woman. When I meet someone for the first time. I have a very strong desire to know who they are. To know all their defeats and wonderful experiences in their lives. This can last for a few days, months, or even years. But I fall quickly out of love, as the enchantment wears off and the next prey appears on the horizon.
Now, most people who are like this can have a strong effect on certain women. That is because when they fall in love, for that short period, they give themselves over to the woman in a complete manner, one that is rare for a man. This is devastatingly seductive. It also shows the weakness such a man has for a woman. Look at Bill Clinton, a classic example. Women are the first to forgive the foibles of a Clinton, because they understand deep down inside that he is weak, and his weakness is women. This is is charming.
From the outside, what most people see is the string of victims who have been seduced and from that they deduce an inner coldness on the part of this person. But in thinking deeply about a Casanova, a Lord Byron, a Duke Ellington, or about myself (not that I put myself in their category), I know this is not at all the case.
It is Stendhal who best described the falling in love process in his book On Love. He compared it to the crystallization of tree limbs that are left in a salt mine. When you fall in love, you idealize the man or woman involved. You create an image of them in your mind that is enchanted and full of fantasy. The tree limb is a plain object, but after it has been left in the mine, it emerges with brilliant crystals. That is the mental process when we fall in love.
And a man who has been through this time and again and again and again with many women, comes to see it all very clearly. He has a clear memory, the day or week after the spell is broken, of how he has idealized the woman in question, created something in his mind that in the end is not the reality.
And so, I saw seduction as something that can also be quite conscious--seducers being people who are adept at inviting people's fantasies, making others idealize them in some way, causing them to be enchanted and fall in love. Sometimes, a man or woman can be completely calculating in this manner, becoming a kind of machine for causing the crystallization.
But the game goes on, on all levels. We are constantly doing this to others around us, trying to draw them in, trying to enchant or seduce them. Most of the time it is unconscious.
And so, I simply wanted to make the process more conscious to everyone. A process I saw myself being the victim of on many occasions.
A deep seduction, in which emotions are engaged on a strong level, and minds are penetrated, that is what excites me. The enchantment and fantasy element that is in any kind of book or movie or good seduction. Without enchantment and fantasy, the world can be quite depressing.
What makes me talk about this now was that it all had come back to me the other day, as I was in the shower the other day. Still half asleep, it suddenly struck me how many times in the past I had fallen for this or that woman, of all different types, and how far I had gone in idealizing them. It made me seem rather pathetic, someone with a bad habit. Then I remembered, while still in the shower, that that had been the spark for this essay so long ago, and I wanted to get it down before it disappeared.
Seduction
One of the most fascinating things I've experienced is the interaction between two people. How small gestures and words can bring a person to their knees or make their day.
Thousands of years ago, power was mostly gained through physical violence and maintained with brute strength. There was little need for subtlety- a king or emperor had to be merciless. Only a very select few had power, but no one suffered under this scheme of things more than women. They had no way to compete, no weapon they could use to make a man do what they wanted- politically, socially, or even in the home.
Of course men has one weakness: their insatiable desire for sex. A woman could always toy with this desire, but once she gave in to sex the man was back in control; and if she withheld sex, he could simply look for it elsewhere- or exert force. What good was a power that was so temporary and frail? Some women have no choice but to give in to this condition. There were some, though, whose hunger for power was too great, and who, over the years through much cleverness and creativity, invented a way of turning the dynamic around, creating a more lasting and effective form of power.
People are constantly trying to influence us, to tell us what to do, and just as often we tune them out, resisting their attempts at persuasion. There is a moment in our lives, however, when we all act differently- when we are in love. We fall under a mystic spell. Our mind are usually preoccupied with our own concerns; now they become filled with thoughts of loved ones. We grow emotional, lose the ability to think straight, act in foolish ways, that we could never do otherwise. If this goes on long enough something insides us gives way: we surrender to the will of the loved one, and to our desire to possess them.
Seducers are people who understand the tremendous power contained in such moments of surrender. They study and analyze what happens when people are in love, study the psychological components of the process. What spurs the imagination, what casts a spells, what works. By instinct and through practice they master the art of making people fall in love. People need to understand that love is much more effective to create than lust. A person in love is emotional, pliable, and easily misled. A person in lust is harder to control, and once satisfied, they may easily leave you.
It is pointless to argue against such power, to imagine that you are not interested at it, or that it is evil and ugly. The harder you try to resist the lure of seduction as an idea, as a form of power, the more you will find yourself fascinated. The reason is simple: most of us have known the power of having someone fall in love with us. Our everyday actions, gestures, the things we say, all have positive effects on this person; we may not completely understand what we have done right, but this feeling of power is intoxicating. It gives us a boost of confidence, which makes us more seductive. These moments of power are fleeting, but they stay in the memory with great intensity. We want them back. Nobody likes to feel shy, or timid or unable to reach to people.
Thousands of years ago, power was mostly gained through physical violence and maintained with brute strength. There was little need for subtlety- a king or emperor had to be merciless. Only a very select few had power, but no one suffered under this scheme of things more than women. They had no way to compete, no weapon they could use to make a man do what they wanted- politically, socially, or even in the home.
Of course men has one weakness: their insatiable desire for sex. A woman could always toy with this desire, but once she gave in to sex the man was back in control; and if she withheld sex, he could simply look for it elsewhere- or exert force. What good was a power that was so temporary and frail? Some women have no choice but to give in to this condition. There were some, though, whose hunger for power was too great, and who, over the years through much cleverness and creativity, invented a way of turning the dynamic around, creating a more lasting and effective form of power.
People are constantly trying to influence us, to tell us what to do, and just as often we tune them out, resisting their attempts at persuasion. There is a moment in our lives, however, when we all act differently- when we are in love. We fall under a mystic spell. Our mind are usually preoccupied with our own concerns; now they become filled with thoughts of loved ones. We grow emotional, lose the ability to think straight, act in foolish ways, that we could never do otherwise. If this goes on long enough something insides us gives way: we surrender to the will of the loved one, and to our desire to possess them.
Seducers are people who understand the tremendous power contained in such moments of surrender. They study and analyze what happens when people are in love, study the psychological components of the process. What spurs the imagination, what casts a spells, what works. By instinct and through practice they master the art of making people fall in love. People need to understand that love is much more effective to create than lust. A person in love is emotional, pliable, and easily misled. A person in lust is harder to control, and once satisfied, they may easily leave you.
It is pointless to argue against such power, to imagine that you are not interested at it, or that it is evil and ugly. The harder you try to resist the lure of seduction as an idea, as a form of power, the more you will find yourself fascinated. The reason is simple: most of us have known the power of having someone fall in love with us. Our everyday actions, gestures, the things we say, all have positive effects on this person; we may not completely understand what we have done right, but this feeling of power is intoxicating. It gives us a boost of confidence, which makes us more seductive. These moments of power are fleeting, but they stay in the memory with great intensity. We want them back. Nobody likes to feel shy, or timid or unable to reach to people.
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