dougphung 1:17 am
(1:17:27 AM): Pat, i know you say you like asian girls
(1:17:41 AM): But... i dont think there are very many asian girls
(1:17:51 AM): that will taylor to your personality
(1:17:55 AM): to be honest
imp4nda 1:17 am
(1:17:58 AM): LOL
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Expectations and holding standards
A general rule to follow: you’ll be a lot happier if you never hold cognitive dissonance against someone. Say you share a cause or an unpopular opinion with someone and they abandon it with flimsy justification. Unless you enjoy disappointment, remember that this didn’t happen on purpose. In fact, to them, switching feels right, like they are doing the more honest thing. It’s not personal, it’s biological.
Cognitive dissonance is easier to fall prey to if you don’t know yourself, if you aren’t regularly taking stock of yourself. To Demosthenes, at the end of virtue was constancy, and at its beginning was reflection. Reflection often means self-criticism, taking blame or generally coming to terms with reality of the world that surrounds us. So what did you expect? You can’t fault people for not developing a personality trait that ultimately tends to make difficult situations more unpleasant.
So sometimes the alternative is just too taxing to bear. Maybe they helped create the problem, maybe their livelihood depends on looking the other way. Whatever the reason, it’s OK! Remember: you decided it (reflection, taking stock, intellectual honesty) was worth doing because it was real. But you’ll get nowhere anticipating—thinking you’re entitled to—other people agreeing to that tradeoff. Nowhere, that is, but angry, let down or alone.
Cognitive dissonance is easier to fall prey to if you don’t know yourself, if you aren’t regularly taking stock of yourself. To Demosthenes, at the end of virtue was constancy, and at its beginning was reflection. Reflection often means self-criticism, taking blame or generally coming to terms with reality of the world that surrounds us. So what did you expect? You can’t fault people for not developing a personality trait that ultimately tends to make difficult situations more unpleasant.
So sometimes the alternative is just too taxing to bear. Maybe they helped create the problem, maybe their livelihood depends on looking the other way. Whatever the reason, it’s OK! Remember: you decided it (reflection, taking stock, intellectual honesty) was worth doing because it was real. But you’ll get nowhere anticipating—thinking you’re entitled to—other people agreeing to that tradeoff. Nowhere, that is, but angry, let down or alone.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Rude!
Try not to get upset by people’s rudeness. Notice: how it never seems to come from someone who has ‘earned’ the right to be rude. In other words, this attitude (or stupidity) has not served them well. It has held them back and punished them. So you pity it, place it properly in context with the costs, or pretend not to care but don’t feel resentment if you can help it. Because they’ve borne more of the burden than you.
Not noticing
Think about all the near-misses that you never knew about. Fight-or-flight situations that passed unintentionally unnoticed. To not know and continue to never know without consequence is a wonderful gift.
Especially if you’re someone like me who internalizes theses crises. I feel them churning in my stomach. My heart races or I get sick with frustration and anger.
But so many of these situations come to mean nothing. Like, absolutely nothing. You miss a surprise phone call from someone important. The wasted opportunity nags at you. But how many times has your phone eaten a call and you never knew about it? Someone gets the last word and it hurts. But what if you’d never heard it?
Your life remains utterly unchanged by these moments. The mistakes you’re aware of, but can do nothing about, pale in comparison to the countless mistakes you didn’t even realize. The last word isn’t acted on, it’s just resented or aggravating.
What you do, for example, in a heated discussion is decide the point at which the things the other person says become meaningless. And then don’t listen when it turns into excuses or rationalizations or bullshit. If it’s an email chain, don’t even open it. You can choose to make it irrelevant. In terms of your decisions and life, it already is.
Syrus wrote that we should “always shun that which makes you angry.” Meaning, you identify the triggers and you opt out of being a part of pulling them. The body has ingrained responses to certain stimuli. It’s more severe in people like me. So you avoid those stimuli because they represent nothing. They are false.
Maybe you don’t take is as far as being purposely ignorant, but you do take into consideration how easily you could have just not known about this thing before you let it matter too much.
Especially if you’re someone like me who internalizes theses crises. I feel them churning in my stomach. My heart races or I get sick with frustration and anger.
But so many of these situations come to mean nothing. Like, absolutely nothing. You miss a surprise phone call from someone important. The wasted opportunity nags at you. But how many times has your phone eaten a call and you never knew about it? Someone gets the last word and it hurts. But what if you’d never heard it?
Your life remains utterly unchanged by these moments. The mistakes you’re aware of, but can do nothing about, pale in comparison to the countless mistakes you didn’t even realize. The last word isn’t acted on, it’s just resented or aggravating.
What you do, for example, in a heated discussion is decide the point at which the things the other person says become meaningless. And then don’t listen when it turns into excuses or rationalizations or bullshit. If it’s an email chain, don’t even open it. You can choose to make it irrelevant. In terms of your decisions and life, it already is.
Syrus wrote that we should “always shun that which makes you angry.” Meaning, you identify the triggers and you opt out of being a part of pulling them. The body has ingrained responses to certain stimuli. It’s more severe in people like me. So you avoid those stimuli because they represent nothing. They are false.
Maybe you don’t take is as far as being purposely ignorant, but you do take into consideration how easily you could have just not known about this thing before you let it matter too much.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
EPIC FAIL ON BLOGGING!
So my goal to write on this blog consistently has consistently failed every time I tell myself I will. Sorry to my two loyal followers, however it's not like I haven't been writing at all, in fact I got a lot of short works that are currently on my laptop. I just haven't had the time to work on it because of my summer job. I'll try to have something up relatively soon.
Today I was having a conversation with one of my female co-workers and she said “It’s impossible not to constantly wonder if there’s something better, someone better. "If I could only choose between three decent guys, it’d be a done deal. I’d be married already.”
I nodded. Having options–perceived infinite choice–isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. How, then, do you tame indecision, particularly in relationships?
Almost everyone on staff are single college graduates and they all believe that getting married or the thought of marriage is a very disheartening subject to discuss. They say how it's hard to watch all there close friends get married off and suddenly they are in the next stage of life. They feel pressure, a lot of it. To them it's the next BIG stage in their life that they have to achieve. Just like the idea of going to college after high school is just something that needs to be done.
Perhaps this is why divorce rates are so high nowadays. It's the fact that people feel pressured to get married at a certain age, at a certain point in their lives and if they don't, they won't feel content with themselves. You shouldn't get married just because that's just the way things are. You should get married because you found the right person and want to be with them for the rest of your life.
Today I was having a conversation with one of my female co-workers and she said “It’s impossible not to constantly wonder if there’s something better, someone better. "If I could only choose between three decent guys, it’d be a done deal. I’d be married already.”
I nodded. Having options–perceived infinite choice–isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. How, then, do you tame indecision, particularly in relationships?
Almost everyone on staff are single college graduates and they all believe that getting married or the thought of marriage is a very disheartening subject to discuss. They say how it's hard to watch all there close friends get married off and suddenly they are in the next stage of life. They feel pressure, a lot of it. To them it's the next BIG stage in their life that they have to achieve. Just like the idea of going to college after high school is just something that needs to be done.
Perhaps this is why divorce rates are so high nowadays. It's the fact that people feel pressured to get married at a certain age, at a certain point in their lives and if they don't, they won't feel content with themselves. You shouldn't get married just because that's just the way things are. You should get married because you found the right person and want to be with them for the rest of your life.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Pictures of the family
Since I can't think of anything to write about, I'll just share some pictures of my family. Maybe this is a sign that I miss them.
My sister is a junior in high school and I love her to death. She's sweet and loves to play sports, video games, and has such a big heart.
So that's my little brother Brian, he's a sophomore at UNC and will be in Shanghai this summer at an internship. Everyone in the family jokes that he's the oldest because he's bigger than me.
My mom and dad! It's easy to say that I have a much stronger relationship with my mother than my dad but I still love both of them equally. Clearly Dad doesn't have a strong sense of fashion. This picture was when the whole family went to Beijing this past summer without me. I ended up taking a job instead.
My sister is a junior in high school and I love her to death. She's sweet and loves to play sports, video games, and has such a big heart.
So that's my little brother Brian, he's a sophomore at UNC and will be in Shanghai this summer at an internship. Everyone in the family jokes that he's the oldest because he's bigger than me.
My mom and dad! It's easy to say that I have a much stronger relationship with my mother than my dad but I still love both of them equally. Clearly Dad doesn't have a strong sense of fashion. This picture was when the whole family went to Beijing this past summer without me. I ended up taking a job instead.
Writer's block
It is very frustrating when I can not articulate my feelings on thought or even on paper. I hope this changes soon.
Friday, April 9, 2010
The Good Life
"If you don't make the world a better place, why exactly do you exist?" My feeling is that if you don't make the people around you better then you are not working hard enough, you're not bringing enough value to the table.
History is composed of individuals who pushed ahead--who for whatever reason, innovated and raised the playing field. And at the same time, they were combated every single step by people who cherished regression and lived for spite. We broke through each sociological, intellectual and economic barrier because one was a little stronger than the other. We avoided equilibrium and stasis through their will and their insistence on having the last word.
There are an infinite number of ways for you to be part of the former and an equally large and tempting number of ways to be part of the later. But it doesn't seem to me like it is much of a choice. So my question is this: If you're not spending your time trying to improve yourself and by extension everything around you, what exactly are you spending your time on?
History is composed of individuals who pushed ahead--who for whatever reason, innovated and raised the playing field. And at the same time, they were combated every single step by people who cherished regression and lived for spite. We broke through each sociological, intellectual and economic barrier because one was a little stronger than the other. We avoided equilibrium and stasis through their will and their insistence on having the last word.
There are an infinite number of ways for you to be part of the former and an equally large and tempting number of ways to be part of the later. But it doesn't seem to me like it is much of a choice. So my question is this: If you're not spending your time trying to improve yourself and by extension everything around you, what exactly are you spending your time on?
Shoes
Have you ever been listening to someone justify an idea and while they were doing it, took a look around the room and thought to yourself, how can they not see how poorly this is going? I also imagine that rarely, if ever, you've taken that same look while you were talking and felt the panic and desperation of realizing that it was all falling short.
Now what's more likely, that you've never lost a crowd or that maybe you just can't tell either?
Now what's more likely, that you've never lost a crowd or that maybe you just can't tell either?
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Choosing The Right Words
There is karma to everything that we say. This means that our words have consequences. They can bring inspiration and joy to others but they can also bring sadness and pain.
For these reasons I suggest that we become more mindful of the things we say. All too often we speak with haste, not considering whether or not what we say has value, and not reflecting on the outcome of what has been said. Here are a few tips to sharpen our ability to say the right thing at the right time, without all the fluff and idle chatter.
Pause And Think Before You Speak
One of the most common reasons we say the wrong things is because we don’t take the time to pause and think before we speak. Our words become more powerful when we put in this extra effort. From now on take the extra seconds to replay what you say in your head before you utter the words, especially when you are having a particularly meaningful conversation with a friend or loved one.
Ask Yourself “Does What I Say Have Value?”
Are you saying something to achieve a purpose or do you just like hearing the sound of your voice? Sometimes we are saying something only to make ourselves feel good, but if what we say has no value to the other person then why say it at all. Maybe it is because we are speaking to a confidant in order to get some negative feelings off our chest. This is understandable, but more often than not we should make our words valuable to the other person. If others don’t see any value in speaking to us then it is likely that the person won’t value talking to us again in the future. This is not necessarily a good way of building lasting relationships. Add value to your conversation – even if it is only to provide simple pleasures like humor or joy.
Consider Who You Are Conversing With
Choosing the right words often depends on who it is you are talking to. You would probably use a different range of vocabulary around your college buddies then you would around your grandparents. But sometimes the differences become more subtle. Some of your friends may be interested in politics, others may hate the thought of it. It is important to choose the subject of the conversation depending on who you are speaking to. Be aware of when someone is losing interest and then change the thread of the conversation.
Consider The Environment
Everything has a time and place. Be sensitive to your environment and be aware that some topics of conversation are more friendly during certain times than others. Nightclubs are rarely a good place to talk about the philosophy behind God. Your wedding is not a good time to share your favorite “getting drunk” stories. Again – some of these are obvious and other differences can be subtle. Consider the mood of the environment, the types of people around you, and the appropriateness of what you want to say.
Don’t Be Afraid To Reflect Back On Your Words
The time to reflect back on your words is not directly after you say them but once you are alone after the fact. The reason for this is because you don’t want to get stuck in your head during a conversation. Therefore there is no point in analyzing words until you have some time to yourself. The point of this process of reflecting is to catch something that you may have been previously unaware of during the conversation. In retrospect you may find that you didn’t choose the best words to describe your feelings or thoughts. Don’t beat yourself up over it – just learn to be more mindful of these things in the future – and try to apply what you learned into future conversations.
Pay Attention To How Others Speak
This is an effective method for two reasons. First, by paying close attention to the words others use you will have a better idea on the way they think and which particular words are most meaningful to them. This is a great way to get into the mind of another person. You can then use these words in your own pattern of speech and create a stronger connection. The second way this tip becomes useful is when you are listening to a conversation between two other individuals in a group setting or on a TV interview. You may find that someone has a great way of explaining a certain situation or feeling. Maybe they told a really great joke you would like to borrow or they use a particular word you find really effective. You can use your listening skills and later apply what you learned into your own daily speech.
Conclusion
I hope you found these tips useful. One of the principle teachings in Buddha’s Eightfold Path is Right Speech and I have used the Buddha’s lessons in mindfulness and karma to improve my own intentions when I speak. The list above is really nothing but a collection of intentions one can have when conversing with others. Following this advice will lead to more purposeful and effective speech.
For these reasons I suggest that we become more mindful of the things we say. All too often we speak with haste, not considering whether or not what we say has value, and not reflecting on the outcome of what has been said. Here are a few tips to sharpen our ability to say the right thing at the right time, without all the fluff and idle chatter.
Pause And Think Before You Speak
One of the most common reasons we say the wrong things is because we don’t take the time to pause and think before we speak. Our words become more powerful when we put in this extra effort. From now on take the extra seconds to replay what you say in your head before you utter the words, especially when you are having a particularly meaningful conversation with a friend or loved one.
Ask Yourself “Does What I Say Have Value?”
Are you saying something to achieve a purpose or do you just like hearing the sound of your voice? Sometimes we are saying something only to make ourselves feel good, but if what we say has no value to the other person then why say it at all. Maybe it is because we are speaking to a confidant in order to get some negative feelings off our chest. This is understandable, but more often than not we should make our words valuable to the other person. If others don’t see any value in speaking to us then it is likely that the person won’t value talking to us again in the future. This is not necessarily a good way of building lasting relationships. Add value to your conversation – even if it is only to provide simple pleasures like humor or joy.
Consider Who You Are Conversing With
Choosing the right words often depends on who it is you are talking to. You would probably use a different range of vocabulary around your college buddies then you would around your grandparents. But sometimes the differences become more subtle. Some of your friends may be interested in politics, others may hate the thought of it. It is important to choose the subject of the conversation depending on who you are speaking to. Be aware of when someone is losing interest and then change the thread of the conversation.
Consider The Environment
Everything has a time and place. Be sensitive to your environment and be aware that some topics of conversation are more friendly during certain times than others. Nightclubs are rarely a good place to talk about the philosophy behind God. Your wedding is not a good time to share your favorite “getting drunk” stories. Again – some of these are obvious and other differences can be subtle. Consider the mood of the environment, the types of people around you, and the appropriateness of what you want to say.
Don’t Be Afraid To Reflect Back On Your Words
The time to reflect back on your words is not directly after you say them but once you are alone after the fact. The reason for this is because you don’t want to get stuck in your head during a conversation. Therefore there is no point in analyzing words until you have some time to yourself. The point of this process of reflecting is to catch something that you may have been previously unaware of during the conversation. In retrospect you may find that you didn’t choose the best words to describe your feelings or thoughts. Don’t beat yourself up over it – just learn to be more mindful of these things in the future – and try to apply what you learned into future conversations.
Pay Attention To How Others Speak
This is an effective method for two reasons. First, by paying close attention to the words others use you will have a better idea on the way they think and which particular words are most meaningful to them. This is a great way to get into the mind of another person. You can then use these words in your own pattern of speech and create a stronger connection. The second way this tip becomes useful is when you are listening to a conversation between two other individuals in a group setting or on a TV interview. You may find that someone has a great way of explaining a certain situation or feeling. Maybe they told a really great joke you would like to borrow or they use a particular word you find really effective. You can use your listening skills and later apply what you learned into your own daily speech.
Conclusion
I hope you found these tips useful. One of the principle teachings in Buddha’s Eightfold Path is Right Speech and I have used the Buddha’s lessons in mindfulness and karma to improve my own intentions when I speak. The list above is really nothing but a collection of intentions one can have when conversing with others. Following this advice will lead to more purposeful and effective speech.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Growing up
It's hard for me to think about what I was like a few years ago and not notice that I am calmer, more open minded and reasonable. But I know already that this kind of emotional progress comes along with leaving your teens and entering adulthood. It's called growing up. And it's a cliche for a reason.
This is why Taleb likes to do what he does: pointing out the accidental nature of some of the world's most respected accomplishments. To make you realize that whatever credit is due to this successful trader or a ballplayer on a hitting tear, it was a statistical certainty that somewhere, someone was going to do that eventually. It just happened to be them.
This is why Taleb likes to do what he does: pointing out the accidental nature of some of the world's most respected accomplishments. To make you realize that whatever credit is due to this successful trader or a ballplayer on a hitting tear, it was a statistical certainty that somewhere, someone was going to do that eventually. It just happened to be them.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Can you remember how it started?
You say it's up to me to do the talking. You slowly lean forward with a box of tissues in front of me and your expensive leather chair groans like a living thing. Like the living thing it was before you took it's life away for your expensive office.
"Can you remember how it started?" you say.
I remember exactly.
It was the last cross country meet, right around the four mile mark. Everybody had passed me, just like the week before, and the week before that. Everybody expect for the girl on the other time. We were the only ones left in the race, our shadows passed along the ground slantwise; slowly they merged, then her shadow passed mine.
Her soles of her sneakers swan up and down in front of me, my steps fell in time with hers. My feet went where her feet had just been. She leaned in around the corner, I leaned in around the corner. She breathed, I breathed.
Then she was gone.
I couldn't picture her anymore. But what disappointed me was that I was last again. I've been last in every meet, every year.
On the bus ride back I couldn't help but feel defeated. The feeling of failure, the feeling of being always being last.As I get to my house I opened the door, "I'm home." I said to no one. My parents were never around. The room tilted right then lift, then straighten out. I grabbed hold of the dining table and tried to remember when the last time we actually ate as a family.
On the table there was play boy magazine. Next to the magazine was a special craft knife with the word EXACTO on the handle. It was sleek like an expensive fountain pen, with a triangular blade at the tip. I picked it up and laid the blade against the doily. The triangular blade slowly came up. Then I placed the blade next to the skin of my palm.
A tingle ran across my scalp. The floor tipped at me and my body spiraled away. Then I was on the ceiling looking down wondering what would happen next. What happened next was a perfect, single line of blood bloomed from under the edge of the blade. The line grew into a long, fat bubble, a lush crimson bubble that slowly got bigger and bigger. I watched from above wondering how big it would get into it burst. When it did, I felt awesome. Satisfied, finally. Then exhausted.
I don't tell you any of this though, you didn't have the right to know. I didn't say anything, I just hugged my elbows to my sides. As we quietly stared at each other for our session.
And you finally sigh and stand up and say "That's all we have time for today."
"Can you remember how it started?" you say.
I remember exactly.
It was the last cross country meet, right around the four mile mark. Everybody had passed me, just like the week before, and the week before that. Everybody expect for the girl on the other time. We were the only ones left in the race, our shadows passed along the ground slantwise; slowly they merged, then her shadow passed mine.
Her soles of her sneakers swan up and down in front of me, my steps fell in time with hers. My feet went where her feet had just been. She leaned in around the corner, I leaned in around the corner. She breathed, I breathed.
Then she was gone.
I couldn't picture her anymore. But what disappointed me was that I was last again. I've been last in every meet, every year.
On the bus ride back I couldn't help but feel defeated. The feeling of failure, the feeling of being always being last.As I get to my house I opened the door, "I'm home." I said to no one. My parents were never around. The room tilted right then lift, then straighten out. I grabbed hold of the dining table and tried to remember when the last time we actually ate as a family.
On the table there was play boy magazine. Next to the magazine was a special craft knife with the word EXACTO on the handle. It was sleek like an expensive fountain pen, with a triangular blade at the tip. I picked it up and laid the blade against the doily. The triangular blade slowly came up. Then I placed the blade next to the skin of my palm.
A tingle ran across my scalp. The floor tipped at me and my body spiraled away. Then I was on the ceiling looking down wondering what would happen next. What happened next was a perfect, single line of blood bloomed from under the edge of the blade. The line grew into a long, fat bubble, a lush crimson bubble that slowly got bigger and bigger. I watched from above wondering how big it would get into it burst. When it did, I felt awesome. Satisfied, finally. Then exhausted.
I don't tell you any of this though, you didn't have the right to know. I didn't say anything, I just hugged my elbows to my sides. As we quietly stared at each other for our session.
And you finally sigh and stand up and say "That's all we have time for today."
Difficult Questions
Cognitive dissonance, the narrative fallacy , confirmation bias, rationalization, the resistance, defense mechanisms, evolutionary strategies, repression - A good chunk of what we want, what we're pulled to, what 'feels right' is motivated by things other than us. So it takes a lot of hard work and hard questions to examine your life through a critical and detached lens. To break the cycle of impulse and indulgence. To become someone who's in control of themselves, the direction that they go and the choices that they make.
"Our decisions should be made on the basis of what's most healthy, not what will satisfy me the quickest. Live with integrity and a clear sense of right and wrong. Consider consequences. Listen to the inner voice of your instinct as carefully as a doctor checks your heartbeat." Dr. Drew Pinsky Cracked: Putting Broken Lives Together Again
It takes a lot of self discipline and practice to identify what's really best for ourselves. It's hard for people our age to not act on impulse and to think long term.
"Our decisions should be made on the basis of what's most healthy, not what will satisfy me the quickest. Live with integrity and a clear sense of right and wrong. Consider consequences. Listen to the inner voice of your instinct as carefully as a doctor checks your heartbeat." Dr. Drew Pinsky Cracked: Putting Broken Lives Together Again
It takes a lot of self discipline and practice to identify what's really best for ourselves. It's hard for people our age to not act on impulse and to think long term.
Feel Better Through Ten Acts Of Loving-Kindness
I don't know why I am posting so much about happiness love and kindness. I promise you it's not based on my mood.
Exhibiting loving-kindness and compassion is one of the most underrated methods of improving our mental well-being. But how can doing something that benefits another possibly allow me to feel better?
Although it may seem counter-intuitive, studies have shown that helping others actually does increase our own happiness. It gets us to step out of our own ego-driven tendencies, to empathize with others, and to share both their pain and joy. Their happiness becomes our happiness.
So what are some things we can do to exercise this skill?
1. Call Someone And Tell Them You Love ‘Em
Often we don’t tell others how much we love them even though we know how much they would love to hear it. Those that don’t feel loved can become depressed and suffer greatly. Because of this, it is important that we tell others we love them and we should remind them of it often. Go ahead and call your wife, husband, mom or dad and tell them that you appreciate all that they have done and that you truly love them for who they are. Even if it is someone who you haven’t used the word “love” to in a long while – work up the courage to still do it, it’ll benefit both of you.
2. Compliment A Stranger
Being kind is not something exclusive to people we know and already love. We should also exercise this amongst strangers. Sometimes there is nothing more pleasing than making a positive change to a stranger’s day. You can do this in a variety of ways: compliment an article of clothing or jewelry of a store clerk or just stop someone you pass in the street and compliment their smile. Make sure your words are genuine. Let the person know that you just had to tell them “Blah blah blah” and then go on your merry way.
3. Donate To A Charity
Donating to a charity is one of the most noble things one can do. It doesn’t matter if it is only a couple dollars or even a few thousand – it is the principle of the act. Sometimes the hardest thing to give up is a material good like money, but by detaching ourselves from this possessive mindset we are not only helping someone in greater need but allowing ourselves a greater freedom. How about donating to Relay 4 life?
4. Schedule An Exciting Event
This one takes a little more time and effort than the past three, but this also means it can give us a greater satisfaction. Try to put together an event that a group of your friends or family can enjoy. Maybe you could throw an upcoming surprise birthday party for someone or a weekend costume party for a good time. The key here is to schedule something that is fun and exciting. Many of us need more of this in our lives due to the burdens of work and school life. By providing an outlet for people to let loose and relax you are doing a tremendous service.
5. Dedicate A Song, Poem, or Painting To Someone Significant
What better way to create than to do it for the sake of sharing with someone significant? Maybe it is time to dust off that old acoustic guitar or overcome those years of writer’s block. Think of someone you want to dedicate to. Pick a theme or message that you want to express and then work with it until you find something that you are proud of. Polish it up, and when you are ready show it off to the intended person. It will warm their heart.
6. Invest Time Playing With Children
Children are a fantastic way to practice loving-kindness (and sometimes patience). If you have kids of your own then you can schedule an afternoon at the zoo or park. If you don’t have kids then see if you can volunteer at a children’s hospital or elementary school. Most volunteer places are more than happy to have an extra pair of hands on deck to help entertain the children and keep them behaved. I find it incredibly enlightening to spend time with children – they have great imaginations and they are always living in the moment to the fullest. Of course kids can sometimes become a huge handful, so there is also a sense of skill in keeping them both safe and happy. I learned many valuable life lessons playing with my little cousins.
7. Fulfill A Wish
This suggestion is probably one of the toughest to accomplish depending on the person’s wish you are trying to fulfill. Maybe you have a friend who has always wanted to dive into a swimming pool of jello or who has always wanted to travel to Europe. These wishes might be too difficult to fulfill, but if you have the means to do it then don’t let anything stop you. Other wishes are easier. Maybe you know someone who had always wanted a toy train as a child or a certain comic book. Even though they might be older now, the thought of fulfilling this childhood wish is something that can bring great joy to the person. It also shows that you are thoughtful, you listen to others, and remember what they say.
8. Get A Loved One A Gift For No Reason
We often only get others gifts during birthdays or holidays. But what is stopping us from giving even when there is not a special occasion. Sometimes it is gifts like this that are the most surprising and meaningful. The classic case is coming home with a rose or box of chocolates for your wife. It doesn’t really matter who or what it is – it is the thought and the freedom to give someone something whenever you want that creates real spontaneity and happiness.
9. Create A Mixtape For A New Friend
This is one of my favorite things to do as I love music and I love sharing new artists with others. You may remember a time back in High School when you and your crush would exchange mixtapes and then go home and listen intently to all the songs they had chosen specifically for you. Why let this practice die as you get older? It is never too late to introduce others to new music. It creates an important bond and as long as they hold on to your mixtape the connection will always be there.
10. Find Someone Who Looks Down And Make Them Smile
This too can be a great challenge. It sucks to see someone going throughout their day looking down and depressed. When I see someone like this I always wonder if there is anything I could do in that moment to make their day a tad bit better. You could resort to option 2 and give them a compliment. You may also have a good joke on hand that could brighten up their day. Maybe it is a homeless man on the street in which case you can give a donation. Use your good judgment and be creative if you have to.
Final Words
There are enough easy and simple things to do on this list to begin your practice of loving-kindness. As you get better you can progress to some of the more difficult suggestions. All of these are ways to improve conditions of your surrounding world and at the same time improve your inner happiness and content. A daily practice of loving-kindness is a great ingredient for any recipe in healthy living. Try it out for yourself! What are some acts of kindness you have done today?
Exhibiting loving-kindness and compassion is one of the most underrated methods of improving our mental well-being. But how can doing something that benefits another possibly allow me to feel better?
Although it may seem counter-intuitive, studies have shown that helping others actually does increase our own happiness. It gets us to step out of our own ego-driven tendencies, to empathize with others, and to share both their pain and joy. Their happiness becomes our happiness.
So what are some things we can do to exercise this skill?
1. Call Someone And Tell Them You Love ‘Em
Often we don’t tell others how much we love them even though we know how much they would love to hear it. Those that don’t feel loved can become depressed and suffer greatly. Because of this, it is important that we tell others we love them and we should remind them of it often. Go ahead and call your wife, husband, mom or dad and tell them that you appreciate all that they have done and that you truly love them for who they are. Even if it is someone who you haven’t used the word “love” to in a long while – work up the courage to still do it, it’ll benefit both of you.
2. Compliment A Stranger
Being kind is not something exclusive to people we know and already love. We should also exercise this amongst strangers. Sometimes there is nothing more pleasing than making a positive change to a stranger’s day. You can do this in a variety of ways: compliment an article of clothing or jewelry of a store clerk or just stop someone you pass in the street and compliment their smile. Make sure your words are genuine. Let the person know that you just had to tell them “Blah blah blah” and then go on your merry way.
3. Donate To A Charity
Donating to a charity is one of the most noble things one can do. It doesn’t matter if it is only a couple dollars or even a few thousand – it is the principle of the act. Sometimes the hardest thing to give up is a material good like money, but by detaching ourselves from this possessive mindset we are not only helping someone in greater need but allowing ourselves a greater freedom. How about donating to Relay 4 life?
4. Schedule An Exciting Event
This one takes a little more time and effort than the past three, but this also means it can give us a greater satisfaction. Try to put together an event that a group of your friends or family can enjoy. Maybe you could throw an upcoming surprise birthday party for someone or a weekend costume party for a good time. The key here is to schedule something that is fun and exciting. Many of us need more of this in our lives due to the burdens of work and school life. By providing an outlet for people to let loose and relax you are doing a tremendous service.
5. Dedicate A Song, Poem, or Painting To Someone Significant
What better way to create than to do it for the sake of sharing with someone significant? Maybe it is time to dust off that old acoustic guitar or overcome those years of writer’s block. Think of someone you want to dedicate to. Pick a theme or message that you want to express and then work with it until you find something that you are proud of. Polish it up, and when you are ready show it off to the intended person. It will warm their heart.
6. Invest Time Playing With Children
Children are a fantastic way to practice loving-kindness (and sometimes patience). If you have kids of your own then you can schedule an afternoon at the zoo or park. If you don’t have kids then see if you can volunteer at a children’s hospital or elementary school. Most volunteer places are more than happy to have an extra pair of hands on deck to help entertain the children and keep them behaved. I find it incredibly enlightening to spend time with children – they have great imaginations and they are always living in the moment to the fullest. Of course kids can sometimes become a huge handful, so there is also a sense of skill in keeping them both safe and happy. I learned many valuable life lessons playing with my little cousins.
7. Fulfill A Wish
This suggestion is probably one of the toughest to accomplish depending on the person’s wish you are trying to fulfill. Maybe you have a friend who has always wanted to dive into a swimming pool of jello or who has always wanted to travel to Europe. These wishes might be too difficult to fulfill, but if you have the means to do it then don’t let anything stop you. Other wishes are easier. Maybe you know someone who had always wanted a toy train as a child or a certain comic book. Even though they might be older now, the thought of fulfilling this childhood wish is something that can bring great joy to the person. It also shows that you are thoughtful, you listen to others, and remember what they say.
8. Get A Loved One A Gift For No Reason
We often only get others gifts during birthdays or holidays. But what is stopping us from giving even when there is not a special occasion. Sometimes it is gifts like this that are the most surprising and meaningful. The classic case is coming home with a rose or box of chocolates for your wife. It doesn’t really matter who or what it is – it is the thought and the freedom to give someone something whenever you want that creates real spontaneity and happiness.
9. Create A Mixtape For A New Friend
This is one of my favorite things to do as I love music and I love sharing new artists with others. You may remember a time back in High School when you and your crush would exchange mixtapes and then go home and listen intently to all the songs they had chosen specifically for you. Why let this practice die as you get older? It is never too late to introduce others to new music. It creates an important bond and as long as they hold on to your mixtape the connection will always be there.
10. Find Someone Who Looks Down And Make Them Smile
This too can be a great challenge. It sucks to see someone going throughout their day looking down and depressed. When I see someone like this I always wonder if there is anything I could do in that moment to make their day a tad bit better. You could resort to option 2 and give them a compliment. You may also have a good joke on hand that could brighten up their day. Maybe it is a homeless man on the street in which case you can give a donation. Use your good judgment and be creative if you have to.
Final Words
There are enough easy and simple things to do on this list to begin your practice of loving-kindness. As you get better you can progress to some of the more difficult suggestions. All of these are ways to improve conditions of your surrounding world and at the same time improve your inner happiness and content. A daily practice of loving-kindness is a great ingredient for any recipe in healthy living. Try it out for yourself! What are some acts of kindness you have done today?
How to do a real act of kindness
“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” – Albert Pike
Often, we think of doing something nice as a rarity. Most people don’t seem to do it often and we reciprocate by not doing anything either. It is only during strange times of holiday cheer that we begin to feel comfortable enough to actively spread love and happiness. Let us maintain this positive momentum for the following 364 days of the year as well. For any time of the year, here are some ideas that I find most important to consider whenever we are giving gifts or doing someone else a favor:
1. Have Their Interests In Mind
This may seem obvious but sometimes we can get caught in the trap of buying something that we would enjoy, while ignoring the interests of the person who we are giving the gift too. Of course, it is not always easy to know what someone else may want. We can try to overcome this by putting our self in someone’s shoes, or asking like-minded people what a good present might be. Buying a Men's health magazine for a girl doesn't go well. If you are trying to find something for a 6 year old boy, then you can ask other 6 year old boys. Similarly, if you know someone who is an avid golfer, then you can ask other avid golfers what a good brand of new clubs might be.
2. Let It Be From The Good Of Your Heart
All too often, and especially during the holiday season, we do “nice” things for people out of necessity or obligation. It is this kind of mentality that can ruin what would otherwise be a joyful celebration. It is much nicer and much more fun if we actually do others favors out of the goodness of our heart, and not out of some unhealthy and ill-defined obligation. Find the desire in yourself to make others happy, and by acting on these desires, you will find that you too will become much more happier and satisfied.
3. Make It Meaningful
If you excel at the first two intentions then this one often comes naturally, but it is worth pointing out anyway: make your favors and gifts as meaningful as possible. There is usually no extra financial burden to doing something with a little bit of meaning, something that shows you put in the time and thought into making a good gesture. A meaningful gift is one that will evoke a strong sense of appreciation in the recipient. Something that brightens the person’s day and makes life worth living. You also want to avoid gifts purely based on novelty or “quick highs,” and instead focus on things that will continue to have value over time.
4. Don’t Expect Anything In Return
If you expect something in return for your favors then you are limiting the magic of your actions. A true act of kindness is not dependent on any reciprocation. The act of giving in itself is all that is needed to experience pleasure and happiness. If we expect something in return, but we don’t get it, we may conclude that our actions were for nothing, but that isn’t the goal of giving to others, is it? It is probably for the best that we diminish any expectations we may have in getting something in return for our efforts. This doesn’t mean we should be shocked if someone reciprocates a good deed, but it shouldn’t be dependent on our ability to exercise kindness.
5. Feel Proud Of What You’ve Done
Often we get immediate gratification after doing something kind for another. It simply feels good to make others feel good. But some like to suppress these feelings. Perhaps it is because they define altruism through “self-sacrifice,” and therefore, much like the story of Jesus dying for our sins, they feel that an act of kindness must be at the expense of our own life, happiness or well-being. I wish to dispel this notion. It is of utmost importance that we feel good when providing for others. If we can exercise this will, if we allow ourselves to feel good for our good deeds, then we are more motivated to continue these actions of kindness in the future. Be proud of your noble efforts! Be selfishly generous.
Often, we think of doing something nice as a rarity. Most people don’t seem to do it often and we reciprocate by not doing anything either. It is only during strange times of holiday cheer that we begin to feel comfortable enough to actively spread love and happiness. Let us maintain this positive momentum for the following 364 days of the year as well. For any time of the year, here are some ideas that I find most important to consider whenever we are giving gifts or doing someone else a favor:
1. Have Their Interests In Mind
This may seem obvious but sometimes we can get caught in the trap of buying something that we would enjoy, while ignoring the interests of the person who we are giving the gift too. Of course, it is not always easy to know what someone else may want. We can try to overcome this by putting our self in someone’s shoes, or asking like-minded people what a good present might be. Buying a Men's health magazine for a girl doesn't go well. If you are trying to find something for a 6 year old boy, then you can ask other 6 year old boys. Similarly, if you know someone who is an avid golfer, then you can ask other avid golfers what a good brand of new clubs might be.
2. Let It Be From The Good Of Your Heart
All too often, and especially during the holiday season, we do “nice” things for people out of necessity or obligation. It is this kind of mentality that can ruin what would otherwise be a joyful celebration. It is much nicer and much more fun if we actually do others favors out of the goodness of our heart, and not out of some unhealthy and ill-defined obligation. Find the desire in yourself to make others happy, and by acting on these desires, you will find that you too will become much more happier and satisfied.
3. Make It Meaningful
If you excel at the first two intentions then this one often comes naturally, but it is worth pointing out anyway: make your favors and gifts as meaningful as possible. There is usually no extra financial burden to doing something with a little bit of meaning, something that shows you put in the time and thought into making a good gesture. A meaningful gift is one that will evoke a strong sense of appreciation in the recipient. Something that brightens the person’s day and makes life worth living. You also want to avoid gifts purely based on novelty or “quick highs,” and instead focus on things that will continue to have value over time.
4. Don’t Expect Anything In Return
If you expect something in return for your favors then you are limiting the magic of your actions. A true act of kindness is not dependent on any reciprocation. The act of giving in itself is all that is needed to experience pleasure and happiness. If we expect something in return, but we don’t get it, we may conclude that our actions were for nothing, but that isn’t the goal of giving to others, is it? It is probably for the best that we diminish any expectations we may have in getting something in return for our efforts. This doesn’t mean we should be shocked if someone reciprocates a good deed, but it shouldn’t be dependent on our ability to exercise kindness.
5. Feel Proud Of What You’ve Done
Often we get immediate gratification after doing something kind for another. It simply feels good to make others feel good. But some like to suppress these feelings. Perhaps it is because they define altruism through “self-sacrifice,” and therefore, much like the story of Jesus dying for our sins, they feel that an act of kindness must be at the expense of our own life, happiness or well-being. I wish to dispel this notion. It is of utmost importance that we feel good when providing for others. If we can exercise this will, if we allow ourselves to feel good for our good deeds, then we are more motivated to continue these actions of kindness in the future. Be proud of your noble efforts! Be selfishly generous.
Happiness vs Common Sense
If you had the choice, would you rather be happy with the things you have or not happy with the things you have?
Commonsense says most people would choose happiness. Who likes to suffer? Who likes to never feel fulfilled? No one. But as I go throughout my days I notice many people seem to choose pain and misery. They look for things to be upset about. They look for ways to feel victimized. Why can’t the simply fact of being alive be enough of a reason to be happy? Certainly it is worth more than anything we could have in this world or any other.
I understand life can be a burden at times, but that is not an excuse to live miserably; even the most dreadful of obligations can be seen as something valuable and good.
Living in happiness doesn’t mean only experiencing pleasure and never experiencing pain. It means being content; not the dumb and docile kind of “content,” but the meaningful and satisfying content. The content that comes from making the best of every moment.
I don’t see happiness as something that can be obtained or possessed – it has to be created. It is a bliss that comes from inside you and pours out like paint onto a canvas. It’s flow, a free and spontaneous dance of energy between you and your environment.
It is okay to embrace the irrationality of our existence, especially if it means more joy. Why not practice smiling and singing for no reason whatsoever, except that it feels good. Think of how much better life would be if you only added a bit of happiness to it? Even just a dose of it here, and a dose of it there can be empowering.
Commonsense says be happy right now but as Voltaire once said, “commonsense is not so common.” That is why I want readers of this post to step back, take a few deep breaths, and re-acquaint themselves with something they have known all along: happiness is here for the taking.
Because happiness comes from within and not from without, it is abundant. Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert says we synthesize our own happiness. As long as you are breathing then there is an opportunity to be happy. No other conditions are required.
Now — some may find this post too optimistic, others may be offended by the crudeness of my message, but this is something I had to get off my chest. You won’t find happiness out there; no matter how wealthy you become, no matter how dedicated you are to the pursuit. The decision is to be made here and now; and if that isn’t good enough for you then you will always be waiting.
Commonsense says most people would choose happiness. Who likes to suffer? Who likes to never feel fulfilled? No one. But as I go throughout my days I notice many people seem to choose pain and misery. They look for things to be upset about. They look for ways to feel victimized. Why can’t the simply fact of being alive be enough of a reason to be happy? Certainly it is worth more than anything we could have in this world or any other.
I understand life can be a burden at times, but that is not an excuse to live miserably; even the most dreadful of obligations can be seen as something valuable and good.
Living in happiness doesn’t mean only experiencing pleasure and never experiencing pain. It means being content; not the dumb and docile kind of “content,” but the meaningful and satisfying content. The content that comes from making the best of every moment.
I don’t see happiness as something that can be obtained or possessed – it has to be created. It is a bliss that comes from inside you and pours out like paint onto a canvas. It’s flow, a free and spontaneous dance of energy between you and your environment.
It is okay to embrace the irrationality of our existence, especially if it means more joy. Why not practice smiling and singing for no reason whatsoever, except that it feels good. Think of how much better life would be if you only added a bit of happiness to it? Even just a dose of it here, and a dose of it there can be empowering.
Commonsense says be happy right now but as Voltaire once said, “commonsense is not so common.” That is why I want readers of this post to step back, take a few deep breaths, and re-acquaint themselves with something they have known all along: happiness is here for the taking.
Because happiness comes from within and not from without, it is abundant. Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert says we synthesize our own happiness. As long as you are breathing then there is an opportunity to be happy. No other conditions are required.
Now — some may find this post too optimistic, others may be offended by the crudeness of my message, but this is something I had to get off my chest. You won’t find happiness out there; no matter how wealthy you become, no matter how dedicated you are to the pursuit. The decision is to be made here and now; and if that isn’t good enough for you then you will always be waiting.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Stars and Satellites
Jimmy Johnson was born into the cold of a late fall morning, in his single mother’s bedroom. Aided by his three aunts, with old rags and a tin bucket of warm water, he opened his eyes to a new world. He, his mother and his aunts all cried, each for different reasons. Thirty four years later, Slimmy J closed his eyes to an old world. Nobody cried.
Frank sat on the hillside overlooking the park, finishing a half-pint of whiskey in the damp grass. The night was clear, he wished his mind would be that way. He’d come here many times in his years of homelessness. He always came alone–always, and only when he’d lost one of his friends. The park was as empty as Slimmy J’s alley. And that’s why he came here. He took the last shot of whiskey and, dropping the bottle, laid back waiting for the ghosts to whisper in his ear stories of a life past.
Out of the alcohol, upon the wind they came, and carried him to another hill, in another time.
“Look,” Frank pointed to a dot of star-like light, “it’s a satellite.”
Lauren looked in the direction of his finger. Her young eyes, much sharper than his.
“See it, moving across the sky there. It looks like a star.”
“Oh yeah!”
He loved her enthusiasm. It reminded him of a place he hadn’t been since he was a kid. A place where anything was possible, where imagination hadn’t been dowsed by commercials, bosses, taxes, products… She lived in a place where dreams were as real as the blades of grass poking them through the blanket.
“What’s a satt’ite?”
Frank cringed. This wasn’t going to be easy, “It’s a machine that floats around the earth, like the moon.”
“Why do they do that?”
He felt himself getting into a quagmire that would make Vietnam look like a lazy day in the park.
“People use them to talk to each other and to figure out where they are.”
“How do they do that?”
He pondered a moment.
“Well, hold out your hands. Hold them up in the air.”
She lifted her small hands and giggled.
He lightly pinched her left hand, “Imagine this hand is a mountain.”
She giggled again.
He pinched her right hand, “Imagine this hand is a person on the other side of the mountain. Now keep holding your hands so they’re lined up.”
He turned on the flashlight and aimed it at her left hand, “Now imagine this hand,” He pinched his left hand holding the flashlight, “is a person that wants to send a message to your hand. See, the mountain is in the way and your person can’t see the light.”
“Okay.”
He held up his can of Coke and held it over her hand, “Now, imagine this is a satellite.” He aimed the flashlight at the can, adjusting it until the light reflected onto her right hand, “See, I can bounce the light off the satellite, over the mountain, and your person can see it now.”
“OH!” Her eyes lit up in a way the flashlight never could, not even the sun could.
As a teacher, he was happy she understood, but as a father, he was a bit saddened that he had stolen some magic from her.
“Are the stars satellites too?”
“No, those are suns. Some of them are much, much bigger than the sun.”
“How come they aren’t as bright?”
“Because they’re very, very far away. You know how the lights of the city look small and get bigger as we drive closer?”
“Oh.”
“If they’re suns too, are there people closer to them, like we are to the sun?”
“There are so many stars that there must be other people around some of them. There are more stars than there are blades of grass on all of the earth.”
He pulled a blade of grass from the ground, “If I just pull one blade of grass from the ground, there may be a bug on it, but probably not.” He showed her the blade, free of any life, then pulled up a handful of grass. A firefly that had been hiding in the clump was startled, lit up and flew away, “But if I pull up a whole bunch of grass, then I probably will get a bug.”
“Oh. Who put the stars and people there?”
His brain seized. There was no way he was going to try to explain even his own limited understanding of astrophysics to a five year old. That isn’t what she was asking anyway. He contemplated telling her some crap about God or Nyx and the golden egg but decided the truth was always best, “Nobody really knows.”
“Oh,” she replied, with some disappointment.
“But you can believe whatever you want about that and it’s as real as anything else.”
Lauren concentrated on the sky. He could see the gears churning in her head. Several minutes passed with nothing but the sound of crickets and the occasional buzz of some winged insect zig-zagging past them. Finally she smiled, and Frank learned the origin of all the stars.
It seems that a little girl was at a huge pond one night with her dad. She was playing in the mud and decided to make mud-balls for the fireflies to play with. She made many many mud-balls and her father poured honey on them for the fireflies to eat. Soon, all of the mud-balls were covered with an unimaginable number of fireflies and they lit up. The fireflies tried to get away, but were stuck to the honey and the balls ended up rolling into the pond and floating in the sea of night reflected in the water.
Frank shook away the memory, sent the ghosts away. He gazed up at the night sky. The stars dimmed and brightened like fireflies in the midnight park. He didn’t know whether it was real or the whiskey.
He held scant hope that some muddy little girl might be gazing back.
Frank sat on the hillside overlooking the park, finishing a half-pint of whiskey in the damp grass. The night was clear, he wished his mind would be that way. He’d come here many times in his years of homelessness. He always came alone–always, and only when he’d lost one of his friends. The park was as empty as Slimmy J’s alley. And that’s why he came here. He took the last shot of whiskey and, dropping the bottle, laid back waiting for the ghosts to whisper in his ear stories of a life past.
Out of the alcohol, upon the wind they came, and carried him to another hill, in another time.
“Look,” Frank pointed to a dot of star-like light, “it’s a satellite.”
Lauren looked in the direction of his finger. Her young eyes, much sharper than his.
“See it, moving across the sky there. It looks like a star.”
“Oh yeah!”
He loved her enthusiasm. It reminded him of a place he hadn’t been since he was a kid. A place where anything was possible, where imagination hadn’t been dowsed by commercials, bosses, taxes, products… She lived in a place where dreams were as real as the blades of grass poking them through the blanket.
“What’s a satt’ite?”
Frank cringed. This wasn’t going to be easy, “It’s a machine that floats around the earth, like the moon.”
“Why do they do that?”
He felt himself getting into a quagmire that would make Vietnam look like a lazy day in the park.
“People use them to talk to each other and to figure out where they are.”
“How do they do that?”
He pondered a moment.
“Well, hold out your hands. Hold them up in the air.”
She lifted her small hands and giggled.
He lightly pinched her left hand, “Imagine this hand is a mountain.”
She giggled again.
He pinched her right hand, “Imagine this hand is a person on the other side of the mountain. Now keep holding your hands so they’re lined up.”
He turned on the flashlight and aimed it at her left hand, “Now imagine this hand,” He pinched his left hand holding the flashlight, “is a person that wants to send a message to your hand. See, the mountain is in the way and your person can’t see the light.”
“Okay.”
He held up his can of Coke and held it over her hand, “Now, imagine this is a satellite.” He aimed the flashlight at the can, adjusting it until the light reflected onto her right hand, “See, I can bounce the light off the satellite, over the mountain, and your person can see it now.”
“OH!” Her eyes lit up in a way the flashlight never could, not even the sun could.
As a teacher, he was happy she understood, but as a father, he was a bit saddened that he had stolen some magic from her.
“Are the stars satellites too?”
“No, those are suns. Some of them are much, much bigger than the sun.”
“How come they aren’t as bright?”
“Because they’re very, very far away. You know how the lights of the city look small and get bigger as we drive closer?”
“Oh.”
“If they’re suns too, are there people closer to them, like we are to the sun?”
“There are so many stars that there must be other people around some of them. There are more stars than there are blades of grass on all of the earth.”
He pulled a blade of grass from the ground, “If I just pull one blade of grass from the ground, there may be a bug on it, but probably not.” He showed her the blade, free of any life, then pulled up a handful of grass. A firefly that had been hiding in the clump was startled, lit up and flew away, “But if I pull up a whole bunch of grass, then I probably will get a bug.”
“Oh. Who put the stars and people there?”
His brain seized. There was no way he was going to try to explain even his own limited understanding of astrophysics to a five year old. That isn’t what she was asking anyway. He contemplated telling her some crap about God or Nyx and the golden egg but decided the truth was always best, “Nobody really knows.”
“Oh,” she replied, with some disappointment.
“But you can believe whatever you want about that and it’s as real as anything else.”
Lauren concentrated on the sky. He could see the gears churning in her head. Several minutes passed with nothing but the sound of crickets and the occasional buzz of some winged insect zig-zagging past them. Finally she smiled, and Frank learned the origin of all the stars.
It seems that a little girl was at a huge pond one night with her dad. She was playing in the mud and decided to make mud-balls for the fireflies to play with. She made many many mud-balls and her father poured honey on them for the fireflies to eat. Soon, all of the mud-balls were covered with an unimaginable number of fireflies and they lit up. The fireflies tried to get away, but were stuck to the honey and the balls ended up rolling into the pond and floating in the sea of night reflected in the water.
Frank shook away the memory, sent the ghosts away. He gazed up at the night sky. The stars dimmed and brightened like fireflies in the midnight park. He didn’t know whether it was real or the whiskey.
He held scant hope that some muddy little girl might be gazing back.
Slimmy J
Slimmy J awoke from a dream of a time when he was a boy, sitting on the green sofa with his momma, watching the rain fall onto the city. It was the first time he remembered seeing rain and it was like magic, water falling from the sky. It was supposed to be sitting in the tub or sink, the toilet. Ever since that afternoon, he’d been fascinated with water. Walking home from school in the early spring, following rushing streams of melting snow. He liked to put bottle caps or anything else that would float in the streams and follow their path with the water.
As consciousness slowly dissolved into him like a stubborn chunk of snow overcome with water, he realized he was damp. It had probably rained overnight, and that’s what caused his dream, he thought. His eyes were still closed, glued shut by discharge. He barely had the strength to get them open. He was starving and his body ached as it consumed itself to provide the energy for him to lift his head a few inches and look around. The alley was dry, he had pissed himself in his sleep again.
He knew he needed food badly, but there was no way he could summon the strength or the will to get it. He’d been in that alley for months, crawling around like a dog crippled by a car. He may not be able to feed his body, but he could still feed his habit. Weakly, he reached into his damp pocket and retrieved his lighter and a small piece of cellophane wrapped around a small rock. He put the rock into a broken light bulb lying in front of him and paused to summon the strength to hold it to his mouth long enough to smoke it. When he finished, what was left of the muscle in his arms gave out and they fell in front of him. As the euphoria took hold of him, tears streamed from his eyes, carrying away the crusted discharge like tiny bottle caps in a snowstream.
He heard footsteps approaching from the distance. It wasn’t the crisp tap he associated with cops, cocky and purposeful. It was the slurred crunch of someone dragging the weight of life behind them like a shackled prisoner. Slimmy J tried to moisten his cracked lips, but his tongue was just as dry as they were, “Professor, that you?” He croaked.
“Mornin’ Slimmy J. How you doin?”
“Oh, jus’ fine. Jus’ fine.”
Slimmy J always said that. Frank knew better.
“Wach’ you philsophizin’ about this mornin’ professor?”
Frank sat down a foot or so away from Slimmy J, where he could see him without having to move his head, “Aww I don’t know. I gotta wonder about people. I think they’re all goin’ crazy.” He opened a plastic bag with cut meat in it, “I got some food here. You hungry?”
“Say, that sure is nice, professor. I’m in bad shape here though. You think you could tear that up into small bits for me?”
Frank tore the meat with his ashen fingers and fed it to Slimmy J, keeping none for himself. When it was gone, Slimmy J raised a shaking, ebony finger and scraped a bit of meat from his chin into his mouth with a yellowed fingernail.
“I know what you mean, professor. Peoples today walkin’ around with bad feelin’. I got bad feelin’ myself. I guess that why I’m here. But ain’t none of them gonna be layin’ in the alley pissin’ theyself. They’s lucky they got peoples carin’ ’bout them. My only frien’s you an’ the rats.”
“I s’pose you’re right, Slimmy J.”
“Peoples today don’ care ’bout nothin’ but theys televisions and telephones and telewhores.”
Frank tried to imagine what that last one could possibly be. As enticing as it sounded, he could make no sense of it. He sat quietly, watching Slimmy J as his speech trailed off and he fell asleep. His breathing was slow and shallow, his hair matted and graying. Even through the thick stench of urine, feces and wasting muscle, Frank could detect a sickening musty sweet scent coming from the bone and sunken skin.
He recognized the smell. He recognized the appearance of a body being converted into cancer food. He watched his own mother die that way. At least she had a bed. But, like Slimmy J, she was so drugged at the end, it wouldn’t have made a difference. Sitting there a foot away from this dying man, Frank was taken back against his will to the moment of his mother’s death. He sat on the edge of the bed next to her that warm spring day with rays of morning sunlight beaming through the open windows. The new air did nothing to remove the musty stench of cancer.
His mother had no final words of wisdom for him upon her death. She lay quietly in bed, her breathing growing increasingly laborious as if the tumors were growing in weight exponentially by the second. Each release of breath was trailed by a muffled gurgle bubbling from somewhere deep in her chest. Her eyes were open but Frank didn’t know what they were seeing. They stared into a place that could only exist in a cloud of morphine, casting a shadow somewhere in the twilight of death.
He watched her like that for several minutes until, finally, she took half a breath and managed a subtle gasp as if startled, but too weak to respond. She completed her breath and slowly it leaked away from her soggy, inflamed lungs, taking with it her life.
Frank wanted to cry. He knew he should… everyone else in the room was. But he couldn’t. All he could do was sit there, numb, holding his mother’s cold, limp hand and looking at her sunken face. One eye was open, the other half so. Her mouth hung open. He wanted to reach into the air and grab whatever had left her and put it back in. But even if he could have done that, it was too late. Whatever it was had floated out the open windows with her final breath mixed with the new spring air.
Frank patted Slimmy J on the shoulder, before shuffling off to let him rest, maybe forever. A tear trickled down the side of his face into his matted beard, clearing a path through the ash of street life to reveal a streak of pale skin, white as a new snow.
As consciousness slowly dissolved into him like a stubborn chunk of snow overcome with water, he realized he was damp. It had probably rained overnight, and that’s what caused his dream, he thought. His eyes were still closed, glued shut by discharge. He barely had the strength to get them open. He was starving and his body ached as it consumed itself to provide the energy for him to lift his head a few inches and look around. The alley was dry, he had pissed himself in his sleep again.
He knew he needed food badly, but there was no way he could summon the strength or the will to get it. He’d been in that alley for months, crawling around like a dog crippled by a car. He may not be able to feed his body, but he could still feed his habit. Weakly, he reached into his damp pocket and retrieved his lighter and a small piece of cellophane wrapped around a small rock. He put the rock into a broken light bulb lying in front of him and paused to summon the strength to hold it to his mouth long enough to smoke it. When he finished, what was left of the muscle in his arms gave out and they fell in front of him. As the euphoria took hold of him, tears streamed from his eyes, carrying away the crusted discharge like tiny bottle caps in a snowstream.
He heard footsteps approaching from the distance. It wasn’t the crisp tap he associated with cops, cocky and purposeful. It was the slurred crunch of someone dragging the weight of life behind them like a shackled prisoner. Slimmy J tried to moisten his cracked lips, but his tongue was just as dry as they were, “Professor, that you?” He croaked.
“Mornin’ Slimmy J. How you doin?”
“Oh, jus’ fine. Jus’ fine.”
Slimmy J always said that. Frank knew better.
“Wach’ you philsophizin’ about this mornin’ professor?”
Frank sat down a foot or so away from Slimmy J, where he could see him without having to move his head, “Aww I don’t know. I gotta wonder about people. I think they’re all goin’ crazy.” He opened a plastic bag with cut meat in it, “I got some food here. You hungry?”
“Say, that sure is nice, professor. I’m in bad shape here though. You think you could tear that up into small bits for me?”
Frank tore the meat with his ashen fingers and fed it to Slimmy J, keeping none for himself. When it was gone, Slimmy J raised a shaking, ebony finger and scraped a bit of meat from his chin into his mouth with a yellowed fingernail.
“I know what you mean, professor. Peoples today walkin’ around with bad feelin’. I got bad feelin’ myself. I guess that why I’m here. But ain’t none of them gonna be layin’ in the alley pissin’ theyself. They’s lucky they got peoples carin’ ’bout them. My only frien’s you an’ the rats.”
“I s’pose you’re right, Slimmy J.”
“Peoples today don’ care ’bout nothin’ but theys televisions and telephones and telewhores.”
Frank tried to imagine what that last one could possibly be. As enticing as it sounded, he could make no sense of it. He sat quietly, watching Slimmy J as his speech trailed off and he fell asleep. His breathing was slow and shallow, his hair matted and graying. Even through the thick stench of urine, feces and wasting muscle, Frank could detect a sickening musty sweet scent coming from the bone and sunken skin.
He recognized the smell. He recognized the appearance of a body being converted into cancer food. He watched his own mother die that way. At least she had a bed. But, like Slimmy J, she was so drugged at the end, it wouldn’t have made a difference. Sitting there a foot away from this dying man, Frank was taken back against his will to the moment of his mother’s death. He sat on the edge of the bed next to her that warm spring day with rays of morning sunlight beaming through the open windows. The new air did nothing to remove the musty stench of cancer.
His mother had no final words of wisdom for him upon her death. She lay quietly in bed, her breathing growing increasingly laborious as if the tumors were growing in weight exponentially by the second. Each release of breath was trailed by a muffled gurgle bubbling from somewhere deep in her chest. Her eyes were open but Frank didn’t know what they were seeing. They stared into a place that could only exist in a cloud of morphine, casting a shadow somewhere in the twilight of death.
He watched her like that for several minutes until, finally, she took half a breath and managed a subtle gasp as if startled, but too weak to respond. She completed her breath and slowly it leaked away from her soggy, inflamed lungs, taking with it her life.
Frank wanted to cry. He knew he should… everyone else in the room was. But he couldn’t. All he could do was sit there, numb, holding his mother’s cold, limp hand and looking at her sunken face. One eye was open, the other half so. Her mouth hung open. He wanted to reach into the air and grab whatever had left her and put it back in. But even if he could have done that, it was too late. Whatever it was had floated out the open windows with her final breath mixed with the new spring air.
Frank patted Slimmy J on the shoulder, before shuffling off to let him rest, maybe forever. A tear trickled down the side of his face into his matted beard, clearing a path through the ash of street life to reveal a streak of pale skin, white as a new snow.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Experimental writing and deviant behavior
I am 16 and I am alone with him in my bedroom. It is just me and him. He touches me softly with his long, strong fingers gliding across the surface of my skin, his breath warm and real near my ear. He kisses tenderly my lips, my ear, my mouth. Slides my shirt over my head, the movement coordinated with his breath. Then his fingers slowly dances on the bottom of my jeans with hesitation. Will she let me do this? he must be wondering. My wordless answer, a movement of my hips Yes, yes, always yes. He slips off the jeans, the underwear, and then on top of me, his solid body, the weight of him, his movement, all so real, all so there Our movement together. Proof, I think again and again to myself. Proof of being worthwhile. Proof of being loved.
In sociology today we discussed the notion of deviant behavior and how it's defined in many different ways. Statistical Deviance can be defined as describing any action or behavior that is different from the norms of a society. An interesting topic that was brought up in class was the culture that we live in now. For instance the acceptance of binge drinking and premarital sex. In fact individuals who do not engage in these activities is example of statistical deviance. Interesting or Redundant?
In sociology today we discussed the notion of deviant behavior and how it's defined in many different ways. Statistical Deviance can be defined as describing any action or behavior that is different from the norms of a society. An interesting topic that was brought up in class was the culture that we live in now. For instance the acceptance of binge drinking and premarital sex. In fact individuals who do not engage in these activities is example of statistical deviance. Interesting or Redundant?
Frank
Frank shuffled down the red brick sidewalk, leaving a trail of loneliness, defeat and body odor behind him. The air was soggy and warming up fast. It would be another hot day. It was far better than the freezing cold, but why did spring and fall have to be so short? It seemed to Frank that the extremes were far more common. And if anyone would know, it was Frank. He’d been living on the streets for… some years… he’d lost track of how many.
He rubbed his eyes and paused for a few seconds to let the blur fade away. Then the most important thought of each new day: Where am I going to get the money for a bottle? I just need a half-pint to start. He felt deep into his pockets and scooped up everything that his fingers could find–mostly bits of paper and gravel. Thirty-seven cents in change. It was a start.
As his focus sharpened, Frank found himself looking at the Catholic Church across the street. It was a large, old building constructed of white stone with a big, sloping red roof. There was a marble statue of an angel in front, bathed in spotlights that were hidden by plants around its base. The building always seemed inviting, which is why he slept close to it. He felt safe with it near. A group of happy, well-dressed people–mostly couples–came out of the large, arching front doors. They were the same people who whispered about him as they passed on the sidewalks. Saddened, Frank continued on his way.
An attractive, younger woman was coming out of Starbucks with a coffee in one hand and holding a cellphone to her ear with the other. Frank paused to avoid a collision, as the woman showed no signs of slowing down herself. Though she was looking ahead, her eyes seemed vacant as she spoke into the phone. She didn’t seem the slightest bit aware of his presence.
“That son-of-a-bitch is gonna find himself in a lot of trouble if he pulls that shit with me!” She told the pink plastic box. Frank watched as she tromped across the street without looking for traffic. Miraculously, she avoided any cars, almost as if the statue across the street had planned it that way. Frank shook his head and continued down the sidewalk.
Further on, there was a woman standing in front of a building smoking a cigarette. The cigarette looked inviting, unlike the mottled lips from which it dangled. As he approached, the woman glanced at him nervously. He walked up a few steps and stood across from her in the entrance way, “Think I could bum one of them from you?” He nodded at the cigarette dangling from her mouth.
The woman eyed him momentarily, “Sure.” Shaking, she dug a cigarette from her pack and handed it to him.
“Can I use your lighter?” There was a hint of shame in his tone. He had nothing but the clothes disintegrating from his body and the ancient memories disintegrating from his mind.
“So, they pretty good about opening up at 8:30?” The woman asked, revealing a mouth devoid of all but a single, rotten upper tooth barely embedded in spongy, red gum.
Frank nodded, not out of any particular knowledge, but out of a desire to be agreeable. It was his way of showing gratitude for the cigarette. Gratitude for even acknowledging his existence.
“Good. I gotta be at work at 9am sharp. I ain’t gonna lose my job because the judge discriminated me.”
“Discriminated?”
“He said he knew I was a meth-head because of my teeth. I can’t afford to get ‘em fixed. I don’t do no meth. I got kids. I got busted with marijuana.”
Frank nodded, still not sure what she was on about.
“I did all my community service. Paid my fines. Then that lady said she knew
I was doin’ meth. I thought they wasn’t supposed to discriminate. I got a hundred dollars to give my lawyer. I’m gonna see about suin’ them.”
“What lady’s that?”
“That lady runs this place, I guess. I ain’t done meth in… years. I got kids. I got a job.”
Frank nodded agreeably. The scabs on her face stuck out like Pinocchio’s nose. Her blonde hair was as dirty as his, but not as long.
“What you here for?”
Frank looked around, then noticed the words “Midtown Correctional Services” on the door.
“Oh, I was just passin’ through on my way to the store.”
“I understand if you don’t want to say. Hell, my sister’s my supervisor at work.
Otherwise, I’d be in big trouble.”
Frank groped deep through the slush of his mind, trying to reach that person he used to be–the one who rarely ever drank alcohol. But he couldn’t find him. He wondered if that person would be able to make any sense at all of this conversation.
He was thankful for the sound of metal against metal that caught the woman’s attention. Then a click, then an older, normal-looking woman opened the tinted glass door. She glanced at Frank disapprovingly. Maybe she’s the discriminator. The blond meth-head flicked her cigarette away and silently walked inside. Frank decided to move on, worried that he might be the next to be discriminated.
Another stop at the intersection, waiting for the machine to tell him it was okay to continue. He sucked the last bits of life from his cigarette until it burned his lips, then tossed the butt to the ground. A dark-complected man, wearing mirrored sunglasses and a gold necklace, pulled up in a red sports car. Frank watched as the man looked over at him, then rummaged for something. The man waved a bill out the window, “Hey you! Clean my windshield!”
Frank looked around.
“Yeah you!”
Hesitantly, Frank approached the sports car. He eyed the bill–it was a ten, “Pardon?”
“Clean my windshield and I’ll give this to you.”
“I don’t have a towel or nothin’.”
Frank took off his tattered jacket, but the man grabbed his arm before he could begin wiping, “Don’t use your filthy coat! Here!” He handed Frank a silky white handkerchief from his own coat pocket. Frank began wiping, afraid he would do more harm to the spotless window than good.
The man pointed to a spot, “Just clean up that bug there,” he demanded, impatiently.
Frank rubbed down the spot thoroughly.
“That’s fine, here.” He handed Frank the ten dollar bill but pushed away his hand when he tried to return the handkerchief.
“Keep it,” he said, shaking his head as he sped off.
Frank was too excited to be humiliated. He’d be able to get a whole pint of whiskey now! With a renewed vigor, he headed for Berbiglia, only to be slowed by a sound in the distance. The sound of a barking dog. He’d heard plenty of dogs around town in the… however many… years he’d been on the streets. But something about the way it echoed managed to reach that place in his mind below the sludge and haze. A part of him that existed in a time he had long buried. A time when he had a dog and parents.
The memory fluttered in his head like the first impatient kicks of a fetus inside its mother. Frank pushed it back down deep, replacing the void it left with the warm comfort in knowing Berbiglia was only a block away.
He rubbed his eyes and paused for a few seconds to let the blur fade away. Then the most important thought of each new day: Where am I going to get the money for a bottle? I just need a half-pint to start. He felt deep into his pockets and scooped up everything that his fingers could find–mostly bits of paper and gravel. Thirty-seven cents in change. It was a start.
As his focus sharpened, Frank found himself looking at the Catholic Church across the street. It was a large, old building constructed of white stone with a big, sloping red roof. There was a marble statue of an angel in front, bathed in spotlights that were hidden by plants around its base. The building always seemed inviting, which is why he slept close to it. He felt safe with it near. A group of happy, well-dressed people–mostly couples–came out of the large, arching front doors. They were the same people who whispered about him as they passed on the sidewalks. Saddened, Frank continued on his way.
An attractive, younger woman was coming out of Starbucks with a coffee in one hand and holding a cellphone to her ear with the other. Frank paused to avoid a collision, as the woman showed no signs of slowing down herself. Though she was looking ahead, her eyes seemed vacant as she spoke into the phone. She didn’t seem the slightest bit aware of his presence.
“That son-of-a-bitch is gonna find himself in a lot of trouble if he pulls that shit with me!” She told the pink plastic box. Frank watched as she tromped across the street without looking for traffic. Miraculously, she avoided any cars, almost as if the statue across the street had planned it that way. Frank shook his head and continued down the sidewalk.
Further on, there was a woman standing in front of a building smoking a cigarette. The cigarette looked inviting, unlike the mottled lips from which it dangled. As he approached, the woman glanced at him nervously. He walked up a few steps and stood across from her in the entrance way, “Think I could bum one of them from you?” He nodded at the cigarette dangling from her mouth.
The woman eyed him momentarily, “Sure.” Shaking, she dug a cigarette from her pack and handed it to him.
“Can I use your lighter?” There was a hint of shame in his tone. He had nothing but the clothes disintegrating from his body and the ancient memories disintegrating from his mind.
“So, they pretty good about opening up at 8:30?” The woman asked, revealing a mouth devoid of all but a single, rotten upper tooth barely embedded in spongy, red gum.
Frank nodded, not out of any particular knowledge, but out of a desire to be agreeable. It was his way of showing gratitude for the cigarette. Gratitude for even acknowledging his existence.
“Good. I gotta be at work at 9am sharp. I ain’t gonna lose my job because the judge discriminated me.”
“Discriminated?”
“He said he knew I was a meth-head because of my teeth. I can’t afford to get ‘em fixed. I don’t do no meth. I got kids. I got busted with marijuana.”
Frank nodded, still not sure what she was on about.
“I did all my community service. Paid my fines. Then that lady said she knew
I was doin’ meth. I thought they wasn’t supposed to discriminate. I got a hundred dollars to give my lawyer. I’m gonna see about suin’ them.”
“What lady’s that?”
“That lady runs this place, I guess. I ain’t done meth in… years. I got kids. I got a job.”
Frank nodded agreeably. The scabs on her face stuck out like Pinocchio’s nose. Her blonde hair was as dirty as his, but not as long.
“What you here for?”
Frank looked around, then noticed the words “Midtown Correctional Services” on the door.
“Oh, I was just passin’ through on my way to the store.”
“I understand if you don’t want to say. Hell, my sister’s my supervisor at work.
Otherwise, I’d be in big trouble.”
Frank groped deep through the slush of his mind, trying to reach that person he used to be–the one who rarely ever drank alcohol. But he couldn’t find him. He wondered if that person would be able to make any sense at all of this conversation.
He was thankful for the sound of metal against metal that caught the woman’s attention. Then a click, then an older, normal-looking woman opened the tinted glass door. She glanced at Frank disapprovingly. Maybe she’s the discriminator. The blond meth-head flicked her cigarette away and silently walked inside. Frank decided to move on, worried that he might be the next to be discriminated.
Another stop at the intersection, waiting for the machine to tell him it was okay to continue. He sucked the last bits of life from his cigarette until it burned his lips, then tossed the butt to the ground. A dark-complected man, wearing mirrored sunglasses and a gold necklace, pulled up in a red sports car. Frank watched as the man looked over at him, then rummaged for something. The man waved a bill out the window, “Hey you! Clean my windshield!”
Frank looked around.
“Yeah you!”
Hesitantly, Frank approached the sports car. He eyed the bill–it was a ten, “Pardon?”
“Clean my windshield and I’ll give this to you.”
“I don’t have a towel or nothin’.”
Frank took off his tattered jacket, but the man grabbed his arm before he could begin wiping, “Don’t use your filthy coat! Here!” He handed Frank a silky white handkerchief from his own coat pocket. Frank began wiping, afraid he would do more harm to the spotless window than good.
The man pointed to a spot, “Just clean up that bug there,” he demanded, impatiently.
Frank rubbed down the spot thoroughly.
“That’s fine, here.” He handed Frank the ten dollar bill but pushed away his hand when he tried to return the handkerchief.
“Keep it,” he said, shaking his head as he sped off.
Frank was too excited to be humiliated. He’d be able to get a whole pint of whiskey now! With a renewed vigor, he headed for Berbiglia, only to be slowed by a sound in the distance. The sound of a barking dog. He’d heard plenty of dogs around town in the… however many… years he’d been on the streets. But something about the way it echoed managed to reach that place in his mind below the sludge and haze. A part of him that existed in a time he had long buried. A time when he had a dog and parents.
The memory fluttered in his head like the first impatient kicks of a fetus inside its mother. Frank pushed it back down deep, replacing the void it left with the warm comfort in knowing Berbiglia was only a block away.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
How Important is Empathy?
It is everything.
And you can go ahead and say that I am projecting my personal belief system or that there is no objective standard to hold people to or whatever. If that's what it takes for you to rationalize being a douchebag, awesome. We have two tasks, to do what you enjoy (happiness through excellence) and to be a good person (integrity via empathy and honesty).
I'm sure you've dealt with someone who flabbergasted you with their narcissism. How could they treat me like that? They're stunning in their lacking ability to think of anything outside themselves. How can you walk around screaming on yourself when people are clearly trying to concentrate? They never stopped to think that maybe you're sensitive about something. Why are you such a black hole? They would never accept you treating them that way. Why are you such a hypocrite? It all comes down to being devoid of empathy--purposefully or unintentionally blocking their humanness.
I don't know why, but I have trouble with this myself. How do you step away from being wrapped up in your own selfish desires, your own cognitively biased mind, or desire to "win" and actually consider what is right? It's really easy to be cold or uncaring or snap because you're tired. The path to progress and improvement is in the resistance to that. When you stop and think why we're pushed to act that way (selfishly) you see that it's sort of a perverted modern adaption to the desire to accumulate as much as we can. You don't get to take any of that with you when you die.
Think about industrial society. It satiates literally every human need. Our abundance gets us all twisted up. And of course I'm not saying that you can do without these evolutionarily ingrained benchmarks for happiness--the feeling of a woman's biological clock running out isn't a societal creation--but really, what do they matter? If I put an entire cake in front of you, you might be tempted to eat it--but should you? Does it truly make you feel good, or does it just address an instinctual urge?
Which brings me back to my actual point: Empathy. It's what makes us worthy of the rest of the stuff. That's what Frankl said, that the one thing that industry and technology will never be able to do is satisfy "the need to find and fulfill a meaning in our lives." That onus is on us.
The Golden Rule is cliche, but nevertheless the ethos of being good. Treat other people, as you wish to be treated. And understand that it is a human struggle--you fail all the time at it--so don't hold it against people when they do. I don't want to give the wrong idea, I am SO far from the ideal I put forth here. I sit back sometimes and am appalled and shamed by my own behavior. Saying that you think empathy is important really isn't all that impressive either. At the end of the day, do you or don't you make it a priority?
And you can go ahead and say that I am projecting my personal belief system or that there is no objective standard to hold people to or whatever. If that's what it takes for you to rationalize being a douchebag, awesome. We have two tasks, to do what you enjoy (happiness through excellence) and to be a good person (integrity via empathy and honesty).
I'm sure you've dealt with someone who flabbergasted you with their narcissism. How could they treat me like that? They're stunning in their lacking ability to think of anything outside themselves. How can you walk around screaming on yourself when people are clearly trying to concentrate? They never stopped to think that maybe you're sensitive about something. Why are you such a black hole? They would never accept you treating them that way. Why are you such a hypocrite? It all comes down to being devoid of empathy--purposefully or unintentionally blocking their humanness.
I don't know why, but I have trouble with this myself. How do you step away from being wrapped up in your own selfish desires, your own cognitively biased mind, or desire to "win" and actually consider what is right? It's really easy to be cold or uncaring or snap because you're tired. The path to progress and improvement is in the resistance to that. When you stop and think why we're pushed to act that way (selfishly) you see that it's sort of a perverted modern adaption to the desire to accumulate as much as we can. You don't get to take any of that with you when you die.
Think about industrial society. It satiates literally every human need. Our abundance gets us all twisted up. And of course I'm not saying that you can do without these evolutionarily ingrained benchmarks for happiness--the feeling of a woman's biological clock running out isn't a societal creation--but really, what do they matter? If I put an entire cake in front of you, you might be tempted to eat it--but should you? Does it truly make you feel good, or does it just address an instinctual urge?
Which brings me back to my actual point: Empathy. It's what makes us worthy of the rest of the stuff. That's what Frankl said, that the one thing that industry and technology will never be able to do is satisfy "the need to find and fulfill a meaning in our lives." That onus is on us.
The Golden Rule is cliche, but nevertheless the ethos of being good. Treat other people, as you wish to be treated. And understand that it is a human struggle--you fail all the time at it--so don't hold it against people when they do. I don't want to give the wrong idea, I am SO far from the ideal I put forth here. I sit back sometimes and am appalled and shamed by my own behavior. Saying that you think empathy is important really isn't all that impressive either. At the end of the day, do you or don't you make it a priority?
Monday, March 15, 2010
Dread
What's so weird about dreading things that might happen is that you have usually already figured out what you're going to do if it does. In which case, your role in the whole situation is kind of over.
Why the anxiety? Do you doubt your ability to stick with your own plan? Ok, so focus on that. Do you think the universe registers your fears and then takes them under consideration? No, obviously not. So you want to feel miserable for fun then? How often have you dreaded about something in which you don't have control over? Let's take the time to control what we can and leave the rest out.
Why the anxiety? Do you doubt your ability to stick with your own plan? Ok, so focus on that. Do you think the universe registers your fears and then takes them under consideration? No, obviously not. So you want to feel miserable for fun then? How often have you dreaded about something in which you don't have control over? Let's take the time to control what we can and leave the rest out.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Nothing Personal
For the longest time I have put off writing anything personal on this blog. It's just something I didn't want to do, but today I had a sudden urge to actually tell you what's going on in my life.
My mother and father left two days ago on a bus to New York to catch their flight to Hong Kong today. They will be gone for about 2 months and I already miss them. Mom is going there to spend time with grandpa before he passes away. Dad is going with Mom because he has more fun in China and New York then he would ever have being at home. I'm almost certain by the time my sister graduates from college they will both go to China and live the rest of their lives there. My Dad hates being in America, simply because he doesn't know English well enough to enjoy life here in the states. I feel sorry for him because I can't imagine what he's going through. He literally plays Chinese Chess and watches TV all day with very little social interaction from the outside world. I can tell how happy he is when my brother and I come home because it's somebody to talk to.
My brother is going to Shanghai this summer for an internship for two months and then studying aboard at a international university in China. I'm really glad that he went to China this past summer because I think that's what really sparked his interest in investing more time there. I really proud of my brother to be willing to go to a place so far away from home by himself. At times I think he's the oldest one in the family and he has matured a lot this past year.
My sister took her SATs yesterday and believes she destroyed the reading section, I hope she does. I'm a little skeptical about this because she was nowhere near close to perfect on her PSATs. I'm a little worried about her since she will be at home by herself for about two months. I think she'll be fine though, she's old enough to take care of herself and she isn't the type to throw epic parties while our parents are gone.
I'm still very hung up on what I want to do this summer. I have a phone interview with the TIP program at Duke tomorrow morning. I have to tell Youth Villages if I want to work for them over the summer soon and I'm not sure if I will hear back from Upward Bound and Duke before the deadline. How troublesome. I'm sure everything will work out though! Alright, that's enough about me. Nothing personal.
My mother and father left two days ago on a bus to New York to catch their flight to Hong Kong today. They will be gone for about 2 months and I already miss them. Mom is going there to spend time with grandpa before he passes away. Dad is going with Mom because he has more fun in China and New York then he would ever have being at home. I'm almost certain by the time my sister graduates from college they will both go to China and live the rest of their lives there. My Dad hates being in America, simply because he doesn't know English well enough to enjoy life here in the states. I feel sorry for him because I can't imagine what he's going through. He literally plays Chinese Chess and watches TV all day with very little social interaction from the outside world. I can tell how happy he is when my brother and I come home because it's somebody to talk to.
My brother is going to Shanghai this summer for an internship for two months and then studying aboard at a international university in China. I'm really glad that he went to China this past summer because I think that's what really sparked his interest in investing more time there. I really proud of my brother to be willing to go to a place so far away from home by himself. At times I think he's the oldest one in the family and he has matured a lot this past year.
My sister took her SATs yesterday and believes she destroyed the reading section, I hope she does. I'm a little skeptical about this because she was nowhere near close to perfect on her PSATs. I'm a little worried about her since she will be at home by herself for about two months. I think she'll be fine though, she's old enough to take care of herself and she isn't the type to throw epic parties while our parents are gone.
I'm still very hung up on what I want to do this summer. I have a phone interview with the TIP program at Duke tomorrow morning. I have to tell Youth Villages if I want to work for them over the summer soon and I'm not sure if I will hear back from Upward Bound and Duke before the deadline. How troublesome. I'm sure everything will work out though! Alright, that's enough about me. Nothing personal.
We can do it!
Too often, it seems, this attitude is missing from teams, organizations or the community.
It's missing because people are quick to opt out of the 'we' part. "What do you mean, we?" they ask. It's so easy to not be part of we, so easy to make it someone else's problem, so easy to not to take responsibility as a member of whatever tribe you're part of.
Sometimes it's missing because people disagree about what 'it' is. If you don't know what you're after, it's unlikely you're going to find it.
And it's missing because people confuse cynicism with realism, and are afraid to say "can". They'd rather say 'might' or even 'probably won't'.
Just about everything worth doing is worth doing because it's important and because the odds are against you. If they weren't, then anyone could do it, so don't bother.
Product launches, innovations and initiatives by any organization work better when the key people agree on the goal, believe that they can achieve it and that the plan will work.
Do we have a cynicism shortage? Unlikely.
Successful people rarely confuse a can-do attitude with a smart plan. But they realize that one without the other is unlikely to get you very far.
Count me in. Let's go.
It's missing because people are quick to opt out of the 'we' part. "What do you mean, we?" they ask. It's so easy to not be part of we, so easy to make it someone else's problem, so easy to not to take responsibility as a member of whatever tribe you're part of.
Sometimes it's missing because people disagree about what 'it' is. If you don't know what you're after, it's unlikely you're going to find it.
And it's missing because people confuse cynicism with realism, and are afraid to say "can". They'd rather say 'might' or even 'probably won't'.
Just about everything worth doing is worth doing because it's important and because the odds are against you. If they weren't, then anyone could do it, so don't bother.
Product launches, innovations and initiatives by any organization work better when the key people agree on the goal, believe that they can achieve it and that the plan will work.
Do we have a cynicism shortage? Unlikely.
Successful people rarely confuse a can-do attitude with a smart plan. But they realize that one without the other is unlikely to get you very far.
Count me in. Let's go.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Dandelion Wine
Lisa sat at the window, her drawing pad sitting on her lap, softly illuminated by the Hummel lamp her parents had brought back from Germany. She sketched a dandelion with her colored pencils, bright and yellow, while her sisters, nieces and nephews drowned her father in animated noise downstairs. Quiet as she was, she wouldn't silence them for anything, it let her know there was life in the house.
The dandelion reminded her of her best friend Scott, the day they met in the park.
Scott had always been a sensitive boy. His grandparents bought him a plastic swimming pool when he was very young, before he was made to go to school. He never used it. One day, he went out to play, after several days of mostly constant rain. The pool was filled with brownish water and soaked leaves.
Scott found a stick and poked at the vegetation floating in the pool. A drowned mouse drifted out from underneath. With great urgency, he ran inside to the kitchen, to get his mother. He pulled on her dress, crying and pointing at the pool. She ran outside with him.
He pointed at the mouse.
"Oh," She said, thinking he wanted to splash around in the water, "I don't think you should get in the pool. That mouse might have had a disease."
"Get it out!"
His mother still didn't understand, "No honey, it's dead. Stay out of the water."
"Why did it die?"
"Things die, Scott. That's what happens."
He hated that answer. She was his mother. Mothers knew everything. She should be able to give him a better answer than that.
Scott never forgot about that mouse. When he would be sitting alone in the living room, sometimes he would remember it, floating in the water, never again to do the things a mouse did. Or when he strolled the playground during recess, alone because the other kids only made fun of him, he would think of that mouse, alone in the pool, never again to have friends, or be able to go home to its mother.
It was around the fourth of July, and Scott's stepfather had bought two bags of M-80s. Not doing a very good job of hiding them from a young boy, he stuffed them inside the coffee table. Scott found them easily, but didn't bother with them at first, preferring to help his mother in the kitchen.
One morning, watching cartoons, he noticed a popping sound outside. He peeked out the window, careful to not be seen, and watched Kevin lighting firecrackers. Kevin was one of the boys from school who would have nothing to do with him on the playground. He seemed to be enjoying himself immensely, piling plastic green soldiers on top of a firecracker and then watching as they were blown apart.
Kevin grabbed one of the bags of M-80s and a punk, lighting it on the gas stove. Outside, he threw out an M-80 and covered his ears until it exploded, echoing throughout the neighborhood. Kevin saw him standing there with the bag, "Are those yours?!"
"Yeah, want some?"
That was one of the greatest days of Scott's life, the first any of the other boys had accepted him. By the time the afternoon had rolled around, several neighborhood boys had collected around him, some even from the high school--the ones who always rode in the back of the bus. They set off M-80s throughout the neighborhood, in drainage pipes, in bottles, under the water. Each explosion was more impressive than the last. Scott was down to ten M-80s and everyone agreed the park would be the best place to detonate them.
At the last M-80, Kevin had an idea, "Let's get a turtle!"
Scott remained quiet. He didn't want to say anything to ruin his acceptance. Silently, he hoped they wouldn't find a turtle. But they did.
Scott became more desperate as they hauled the turtle to a tree.
"Come on, leave it alone!"
"Shut up! It'll be cool!"
One of the high schoolers found a rock and took out his pocket knife.
"No!" Scott screamed, then started to cry.
The other boys laughed at him, called him a sissy as they hammered the turtle to the tree. There, it writhed for a few minutes as the older boys shoved the last M-80 into its mouth.
Scott ran, leaving the laughter behind, unable to get away from the thought that the turtle would never again be able to do the things a turtle did.
After running until his breath was gone, he stopped near a girl, small and pale, picking dandelions. She looked up at him with large, green and unjudging eyes, "Hi."
A boom echoed somewhere in the distance.
"Those are pretty," Scott said, choking back tears, not wanting to reveal his weakness to the girl.
"They're for my aunt and uncle. To make wine. You can help if you want."
Scott sat down in the patch of yellow and picked dandelions. He pulled up an old white one.
Lisa smiled, "Those are pretty, too. But I don't think they can make wine with them. What kind of flower is that?"
"It's a dandelion, silly. They get old and die. That's what happens."
Lisa was saddened by this revelation. But Scott blew on the dandelion, sending tufts of white fuzz floating away on the wind, and Lisa smiled, realizing that was what dandelions did.
The dandelion reminded her of her best friend Scott, the day they met in the park.
Scott had always been a sensitive boy. His grandparents bought him a plastic swimming pool when he was very young, before he was made to go to school. He never used it. One day, he went out to play, after several days of mostly constant rain. The pool was filled with brownish water and soaked leaves.
Scott found a stick and poked at the vegetation floating in the pool. A drowned mouse drifted out from underneath. With great urgency, he ran inside to the kitchen, to get his mother. He pulled on her dress, crying and pointing at the pool. She ran outside with him.
He pointed at the mouse.
"Oh," She said, thinking he wanted to splash around in the water, "I don't think you should get in the pool. That mouse might have had a disease."
"Get it out!"
His mother still didn't understand, "No honey, it's dead. Stay out of the water."
"Why did it die?"
"Things die, Scott. That's what happens."
He hated that answer. She was his mother. Mothers knew everything. She should be able to give him a better answer than that.
Scott never forgot about that mouse. When he would be sitting alone in the living room, sometimes he would remember it, floating in the water, never again to do the things a mouse did. Or when he strolled the playground during recess, alone because the other kids only made fun of him, he would think of that mouse, alone in the pool, never again to have friends, or be able to go home to its mother.
It was around the fourth of July, and Scott's stepfather had bought two bags of M-80s. Not doing a very good job of hiding them from a young boy, he stuffed them inside the coffee table. Scott found them easily, but didn't bother with them at first, preferring to help his mother in the kitchen.
One morning, watching cartoons, he noticed a popping sound outside. He peeked out the window, careful to not be seen, and watched Kevin lighting firecrackers. Kevin was one of the boys from school who would have nothing to do with him on the playground. He seemed to be enjoying himself immensely, piling plastic green soldiers on top of a firecracker and then watching as they were blown apart.
Kevin grabbed one of the bags of M-80s and a punk, lighting it on the gas stove. Outside, he threw out an M-80 and covered his ears until it exploded, echoing throughout the neighborhood. Kevin saw him standing there with the bag, "Are those yours?!"
"Yeah, want some?"
That was one of the greatest days of Scott's life, the first any of the other boys had accepted him. By the time the afternoon had rolled around, several neighborhood boys had collected around him, some even from the high school--the ones who always rode in the back of the bus. They set off M-80s throughout the neighborhood, in drainage pipes, in bottles, under the water. Each explosion was more impressive than the last. Scott was down to ten M-80s and everyone agreed the park would be the best place to detonate them.
At the last M-80, Kevin had an idea, "Let's get a turtle!"
Scott remained quiet. He didn't want to say anything to ruin his acceptance. Silently, he hoped they wouldn't find a turtle. But they did.
Scott became more desperate as they hauled the turtle to a tree.
"Come on, leave it alone!"
"Shut up! It'll be cool!"
One of the high schoolers found a rock and took out his pocket knife.
"No!" Scott screamed, then started to cry.
The other boys laughed at him, called him a sissy as they hammered the turtle to the tree. There, it writhed for a few minutes as the older boys shoved the last M-80 into its mouth.
Scott ran, leaving the laughter behind, unable to get away from the thought that the turtle would never again be able to do the things a turtle did.
After running until his breath was gone, he stopped near a girl, small and pale, picking dandelions. She looked up at him with large, green and unjudging eyes, "Hi."
A boom echoed somewhere in the distance.
"Those are pretty," Scott said, choking back tears, not wanting to reveal his weakness to the girl.
"They're for my aunt and uncle. To make wine. You can help if you want."
Scott sat down in the patch of yellow and picked dandelions. He pulled up an old white one.
Lisa smiled, "Those are pretty, too. But I don't think they can make wine with them. What kind of flower is that?"
"It's a dandelion, silly. They get old and die. That's what happens."
Lisa was saddened by this revelation. But Scott blew on the dandelion, sending tufts of white fuzz floating away on the wind, and Lisa smiled, realizing that was what dandelions did.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Self Reflection
You know when you read biographies of people long since dead and someone says something like "it's interesting how kind he was to his employees but was so cruel to his relatives" and you think, man I wonder if they ever questioned themselves about that. Or you read memoirs and the person sort of casually mentions how it took them twenty years to realize they were a workaholic or half a decade to figure out that they hated their life and the other half digging themselves out of that impossible hole.
I think a good, but unending job is to endeavor so that no one ever questions something about your life that you haven't already fully turned over in your head from every possible angle. That you should never realize something about yourself in some momentous epiphany because you've institutionalized incremental reflection. The role of a biography is not to work out the problems that you've been living every single day because in fact, that's what every single day is for.
The exercise then is to consider what a stranger would think if the facts were all laid out on the table. What would they question? What have you missed? Finally, what can you do now that would cut off their assumptions--to answer their doubts with actions and avoid the surprise of a cliché?
I never really write about my past relationships on here and it's strange because they have definitely shaped and influenced who I am today.
I will be the first to admit that I have made really shitty decisions, ones with no real winner and enough of them for me to learn what not to do.
But looking back there are quite a few decisions I made that I am not proud of. Priorities and internal logic that were embarrassing at best and disturbing at worst.
There is a good line in Meditations where he says something like never do anything that you will worry about remaining 'behind closed doors'. I think the same goes for how you treat the important people in your life. And when I look back on things, there's a lot I could never justify to a third party. I regret that and it's something I'd like to put an end to doing.
I think a good, but unending job is to endeavor so that no one ever questions something about your life that you haven't already fully turned over in your head from every possible angle. That you should never realize something about yourself in some momentous epiphany because you've institutionalized incremental reflection. The role of a biography is not to work out the problems that you've been living every single day because in fact, that's what every single day is for.
The exercise then is to consider what a stranger would think if the facts were all laid out on the table. What would they question? What have you missed? Finally, what can you do now that would cut off their assumptions--to answer their doubts with actions and avoid the surprise of a cliché?
I never really write about my past relationships on here and it's strange because they have definitely shaped and influenced who I am today.
I will be the first to admit that I have made really shitty decisions, ones with no real winner and enough of them for me to learn what not to do.
But looking back there are quite a few decisions I made that I am not proud of. Priorities and internal logic that were embarrassing at best and disturbing at worst.
There is a good line in Meditations where he says something like never do anything that you will worry about remaining 'behind closed doors'. I think the same goes for how you treat the important people in your life. And when I look back on things, there's a lot I could never justify to a third party. I regret that and it's something I'd like to put an end to doing.
Monday, March 1, 2010
6 lessons that I have learned
1. Time=Wealth
By far the most important lesson that I have learned is that your time is all you really own in life. And the more you go about your daily life, the more you realize that your most extravagant possessions can’t match the satisfaction you get from finding new experiences, meeting new people, and learning new things about yourself. “Value” is a word we often hear in day-to-day life, but I have learned that it is not pegged to a cash amount, that the best experiences in life can be had for the price of showing up (be it to helping a friend out, or a sunrise ten minutes from your home).
Scientific studies have shown that new experiences (and the memories they produce) are more likely to produce long-term happiness than new things. Consider ways you would want to spend the only thing that is really called your own. Spend less time working on things you don’t enjoy and buying things you don’t need; spend more time embracing the kinds of activities (learning new skills, meeting new people, spending time with friends and family) that make you feel alive and part of the world.
2. Be where you are. Embrace what is around you.
I encourage you all every time you are in a situation to fully force yourself in embracing the moment. Learn to appreciate the privilege of witnessing life as it happens before your eyes.
At home, how often do you really need to check your email or your Twitter feed? When you get online, are you there for a reason, or are you simply killing time? For all the pleasures and entertainments of the virtual-electronic world, there is no substitute for real-life conversation and connection, for getting ideas and entertainment from the people and places around you. Even at home, there are sublime rewards to be had for unplugging from online distractions and embracing the world before your eyes. Instead of passively learning about people's lives and reading about them, try and go out and experience life WITH them.
3. Slow Down
All too often, life at home is predicated on an irrational compulsion for speed — we rush to work, we rush through meals, we “multi-task” when we’re hanging out with friends. This might make our lives feel more streamlined in a certain abstracted sense, but it doesn’t make our lives happier or more fulfilling. Unless you learn to pace and savor your daily experiences (even your work-commutes and your noontime meals) you’ll cheating your days out of small moments of leisure, discovery and joy. Next time when you get a chance to spend time with someone or go to an event slow down and enjoy the moment, you'll be surprised on all the subtle cues and gestures that you've been missing out on.
4. Keep it Simple
abiding by the principles of simplicity can help you live in a more deliberate and time-rich way. How much of what you own really improves the quality of your life? Are you buying new things out of necessity or compulsion? Do the things you own enable you to live more vividly, or do they merely clutter up your life? Again, researchers have determined that new experiences satisfy our higher-order needs in a way that new possessions cannot — that taking a friend to dinner, for example, brings more lasting happiness than spending that money on a new shirt. In this way, investing less in new objects and more in new activities can make your life happier. This less materialistic state of mind will also help you save money for your next journey.
5. Don't set limits
Overcoming your fears and escaping your dull routines can deepen your life — and the open-to-anything confidence can be utilized to test new concepts in a business setting, rejuvenate relationships with friends and family, or simply ask that woman with the nice smile if she wants to go out for coffee. In refusing to set limits for what is possible on a given day, you open yourself up to an entire new world of possibility. Remember you only get to live once in this world so do not live your life in fear, learn to take calculated risks and appreciate everything that comes at you, both the good and the bad.
6. Being alone
Being alone forces you to interact with people around you in a manner that you wouldn't be able to do if you had a friend accompanying you. It's very easy to go to a party or an event and fall back on the safety net of a friend when there is nobody you know around you. However going into unfamiliar territory on your own convinces you to reach out to those who you are unfamiliar with. Back in high school I would go downtown to take ballroom lessons on my own, not only did I learn how to ballroom. I had the opportunity to learn more about the instructor's life and her views on various subjects. I would of never thought to talk to Karen about anything if I went with a group of friends. Eventually I even got free lessons from her, which is always a plus, because who doesn't like free stuff? Being alone allows you to self reflect on yourself and expand your horizons. Do not be afraid of going on an adventure on your own, you can learn many things about yourself and others in doing so.
By far the most important lesson that I have learned is that your time is all you really own in life. And the more you go about your daily life, the more you realize that your most extravagant possessions can’t match the satisfaction you get from finding new experiences, meeting new people, and learning new things about yourself. “Value” is a word we often hear in day-to-day life, but I have learned that it is not pegged to a cash amount, that the best experiences in life can be had for the price of showing up (be it to helping a friend out, or a sunrise ten minutes from your home).
Scientific studies have shown that new experiences (and the memories they produce) are more likely to produce long-term happiness than new things. Consider ways you would want to spend the only thing that is really called your own. Spend less time working on things you don’t enjoy and buying things you don’t need; spend more time embracing the kinds of activities (learning new skills, meeting new people, spending time with friends and family) that make you feel alive and part of the world.
2. Be where you are. Embrace what is around you.
I encourage you all every time you are in a situation to fully force yourself in embracing the moment. Learn to appreciate the privilege of witnessing life as it happens before your eyes.
At home, how often do you really need to check your email or your Twitter feed? When you get online, are you there for a reason, or are you simply killing time? For all the pleasures and entertainments of the virtual-electronic world, there is no substitute for real-life conversation and connection, for getting ideas and entertainment from the people and places around you. Even at home, there are sublime rewards to be had for unplugging from online distractions and embracing the world before your eyes. Instead of passively learning about people's lives and reading about them, try and go out and experience life WITH them.
3. Slow Down
All too often, life at home is predicated on an irrational compulsion for speed — we rush to work, we rush through meals, we “multi-task” when we’re hanging out with friends. This might make our lives feel more streamlined in a certain abstracted sense, but it doesn’t make our lives happier or more fulfilling. Unless you learn to pace and savor your daily experiences (even your work-commutes and your noontime meals) you’ll cheating your days out of small moments of leisure, discovery and joy. Next time when you get a chance to spend time with someone or go to an event slow down and enjoy the moment, you'll be surprised on all the subtle cues and gestures that you've been missing out on.
4. Keep it Simple
abiding by the principles of simplicity can help you live in a more deliberate and time-rich way. How much of what you own really improves the quality of your life? Are you buying new things out of necessity or compulsion? Do the things you own enable you to live more vividly, or do they merely clutter up your life? Again, researchers have determined that new experiences satisfy our higher-order needs in a way that new possessions cannot — that taking a friend to dinner, for example, brings more lasting happiness than spending that money on a new shirt. In this way, investing less in new objects and more in new activities can make your life happier. This less materialistic state of mind will also help you save money for your next journey.
5. Don't set limits
Overcoming your fears and escaping your dull routines can deepen your life — and the open-to-anything confidence can be utilized to test new concepts in a business setting, rejuvenate relationships with friends and family, or simply ask that woman with the nice smile if she wants to go out for coffee. In refusing to set limits for what is possible on a given day, you open yourself up to an entire new world of possibility. Remember you only get to live once in this world so do not live your life in fear, learn to take calculated risks and appreciate everything that comes at you, both the good and the bad.
6. Being alone
Being alone forces you to interact with people around you in a manner that you wouldn't be able to do if you had a friend accompanying you. It's very easy to go to a party or an event and fall back on the safety net of a friend when there is nobody you know around you. However going into unfamiliar territory on your own convinces you to reach out to those who you are unfamiliar with. Back in high school I would go downtown to take ballroom lessons on my own, not only did I learn how to ballroom. I had the opportunity to learn more about the instructor's life and her views on various subjects. I would of never thought to talk to Karen about anything if I went with a group of friends. Eventually I even got free lessons from her, which is always a plus, because who doesn't like free stuff? Being alone allows you to self reflect on yourself and expand your horizons. Do not be afraid of going on an adventure on your own, you can learn many things about yourself and others in doing so.
I don't feel like it
I don't feel like it
What is it?
But why does one need to feel like something in order to do the work?
They call it work because it's difficult, not because it's something you need to feel like.
Very few people wake up in the morning and feel like taking big risks or feel like digging deep for something that has eluded them. People don't usually feel like pushing themselves harder than they've pushed before or having conversations that might be uncomfortable. I challenge YOU to start doing things out of your confront zone, to start living your life with no fear, to understand that it's okay to fail.
What is it?
But why does one need to feel like something in order to do the work?
They call it work because it's difficult, not because it's something you need to feel like.
Very few people wake up in the morning and feel like taking big risks or feel like digging deep for something that has eluded them. People don't usually feel like pushing themselves harder than they've pushed before or having conversations that might be uncomfortable. I challenge YOU to start doing things out of your confront zone, to start living your life with no fear, to understand that it's okay to fail.
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